Old and New Jokes

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make $18,550 while hes there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

A quickie will net him $1855.

Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Hell make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

Hell make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600.

Next year, hell make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this …

Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Or does that make you more sick?

The Top Ten Nerf Toys!

10. The Nerf Sling shot for those whose parents do not approve of any type of weapon. (Dont shoot at point blank range, it may cause longterm damage to target)

9. The nerf nerve prodder delivers quick shocks to target, three settings nerf, old timer, and die die die.

8. The nberf raygun is a compact gun with two settings dont hurt nothin (nerf) and blow your bedroom walls to oblivian.

7. The nerf exploding football is the perfect tool for teaching your children how to catch a football. (Football if dropped delivers a 50 mega ton nuclear explosion to surrounding area and state)

6. The nerf robotic ping pong opponent is great for the experienced ping pong player, it also teaches advanced techniques. (if the robotic nerf ping pong players opponent misses the ping pong ball during a game, this robot has been known to chuck a large number of balls at his/her head)

5. the nerf electronic Karate tutor is an excelent addition to any dojo, the karate tutor is programed with black belt experience. (if karate tutor is not wearing nerf sandals and gloves serious injury could occur)

4. Nerf cookies are great for practical jokes they look, feel, and almost never taste like the real thing. (if oinjested the nerf cookie could cause longterm mental and physical complications.

3. Nerf bodyt parts make another good eddition to your practical joke kit. (blood sold seperately)

2. Nerf Iowan mask is great for wearing in Iowa infact itll even fool the cowa. (mask is actually a replica of Arne Carlsons face and will get you hurt)

1. The nerf disguise kit is so good itll even fool your local lawyer. (he he)

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.

Yo Mama is so fat that when shes walking on the sidewalk the police arrest her for j-walking.

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.

Only a mediocre person is always at their best.

Im surprised that nobody has posted any jokes regarding this scandal yet.

For anybody overseas, or living in a cave, this woman Heidi ran a brothel that catered to Hollywoods biggest stars, movie executives, and (allegedly) professional sports players.

She got caught, and the whole affair has Hollywood buzzing. There are rumors that the judge is going to subpoena her black book, which contains all of her customers. The press has nicknamed her the Madam of the stars.

Because of her sudden fame, she is selling interviews, pictures, etc. (She is a prostitute after all …) I heard these prices on the radio this morning.

The movie rights to her life story, including the scandal, will be sold for $1 million dollars. (This is a very high price for movie rights, but many of the top movie executives will willingly pay more for the story, to make sure that they are NOT portrayed in the movie!)

A picture of the COVER of her black book, listing her clients, sells for $15,000.

Shes selling television interviews for $150,000. (Considering that an evening with Heidi, before she was caught, was only $1500, women should now know why men dont like to just talk!)

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…

Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?

Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says: Oh God! Are you still in there!

Q. Why dont witches like to ride their brooms when theyre angry?

A. Theyre afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

A. Dayscare centers.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?

A. I Scream.

Q. What do witches put on their hair?

A. Scare spray.

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

A. Bamboo.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?

A. Boo boos.

Q. Why couldnt Draculas wife get to sleep?

A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?

A. Theyre good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why wasnt there any food left after the monster party?

A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?

A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?

A. His other fang.