Old and New Jokes

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

Did you hear about the rocket that was launched in West Virginia?

– It got up to 300 feet but ran out of coal!

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesnt have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.

He asks the bum, Whos Jesus Christ?

The bum replies, Well, I am.

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus Christ, are you in here again?

George Bush and George Bush were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

Sirs, I dont want to tell you how to do something, he said, But I can tell you that its much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers wont dig into the ground.

After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!

Yeah, says George, but were getting farther from the truck.

A man goes to the confessional and begins Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

What is your sin, my son? the priest asks back.Well, the man starts, I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible. When did you use this awful language? asks the priest.

I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

Is that when you swore? No, Father, says the man.

After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

Is THAT when you swore? asks the Father again. Well, no, says the man.

You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

Is THAT when you swore? asks the amazed Priest. No, not yet, the man replies.

As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

Did you swear THEN? asks the now impatient Priest.

No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

The Priest sighs, You missed the putt, didnt you?!?

An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room and she readily agreed. Say, how old are you anyway? the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

Thirteen, she replied with a shy smile.

Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy? he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, Superstitious, huh?

Q: How are Fred Flintstone and Sadam Hussein alike?

A: Whenever they look out the window all they see is rubble.

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?

A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

A. Oh no, Im going to fall again!

Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?

A. There is white out on the screen.

Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?

A. Open 24 hours a day.

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?

A. To feed the toilet duck!

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?

A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River.

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BBs from the gun went right into mothers spagetti sauce. She had seen the BBs and just figured that they couldnt hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, mommy mommy I just peed BBs! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, mommy mommy I just peed BBs! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then dont worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down – honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!