Old and New Jokes

You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer.

You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, Just a minute, Ill be right back.

He goes into the confessional and says, Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.

The Father says, You need to say 40 Hail Marys,and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.

The confessor replies, Yes Father, they were.

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said, Father, I dont kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.

The priest responded, Well, was one of them Mrs. OReilly?

The man replied, No Father, and I wouldnt say anyway. Ive told you that!

The priest says, Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?

Exasperated the man said, No Father, and I told you Im not telling you the names of the women!!!

The priest said, Well then Im going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months! The man said. OK, fine. and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, So, how did it go?

The confessor said, Great! 6 months off, and two leads!

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca and Gary

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

At first, Laurie couldnt decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far… But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel. Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose ones innocence to become a woman? she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anuudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anuudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. We cant allow this! Im going to veto that treaty! Lets blowem out of the sky!

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, youre a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait is prohibited.
The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or
other aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance!, or Free Perrier!
for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or
vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses,
health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty
on the pelt.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection
for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.

Attorney Bag Limits

Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5

Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7

Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser = 12

Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20

Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50

Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit

Honest Attorney = Extinct

Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when were kids? If youre less than 10 years old, youre so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?
Im four and a half!
Youre never thirty-six and a half. Youre four and a half, going on five! Thats the key.You get into your teens, now they cant hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
How old are you?
Im gonna be 16!
You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16.And then the greatest day of your life…you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony…
YOU BECOME 21YESSSS!!!But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. Theres no fun now, youre just a sour-dumpling.Whats wrong? Whats changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30… then youre PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, its all slipping away!!! Before you know it,
you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE IT to 60 – you didnt think you would!So you:
BECOME 21
TURN 30
PUSH 40
REACH 50
and
MAKE IT to 60.Youve built up so much speed that you… HIT 70! After that its a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle:
You HIT lunch
You TURN 4:30
You REACH bedtime.
My grandmother wont even buy green bananas! Its an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!!And it doesnt end there… into the 90s, you start going backwards:
I was JUST 92.
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
Im 100 and a half!

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife.

If your dishwasher stops working, how do you make it start back up?

Kick her.

HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE

Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an
opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the
problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be
turned.
After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime
after 4PM is OK.
Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.
Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make
several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical
questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it
clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when
the machine will be back in service.
The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil
and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical
components, add staples and paper clips.
Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the
machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be
repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a
schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him
that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too
much money anyway.
After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the
machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a
copy to the companys home office.
Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the
problem is.

Children Books That Didnt Make It To The Press:

Children Books You Wont Eever See…

1…You Are Different and Thats Bad

2…The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3…Dads New Wife Robert

4…Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5…Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6…The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7…Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her

8…Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9…All Cats Go to Hell!

10…The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11…Some Kittens Can Fly.

12…Thats it, Im Putting You Up for Adoption

13…Grandpa Gets a Casket

14…The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15…Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia

16…The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17…Strangers Have the Best Candy

18…Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19…You Were an Accident

20…Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21…Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

22…The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23…Your Nightmares Are Real

24…Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25…Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26…Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27…Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28…Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillarys faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.