Old and New Jokes

Its 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when Im bottomless.

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, Mama needs a new pair of pants!

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. YES! I WIN! I WIN!

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, What did she roll anyway?

The other answers, I dont know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!

A stutterer returned from a two-week intensive stuttering therapy program in a distant city. His friends asked how the therapy had gone.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, the stutterer said, completely fluent.

His friends expressed amazement.

Y-y-y-yes, b-b-b-but its h-h-hard t-to w-w-work th-that into a c-c-c-conversation, he said.

The best of old postings from RHF are now also available in the new group rec.humor.funny.reruns.

The archives are also at http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, Im going into retrieve it.

The old farmer replied. This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.
The lawyer asked, What is the NC three-Kick Rule? The Farmer replied. Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, Okay, you old redneck southerner, now its my turn.

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

Hello, is this the FBI?

Yes. What do you want?

Im calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bobs house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bobs house.

Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Happy Birthday Buddy

A good Irishman, John OReilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John OReilly hoisted his beer and said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me loving wife! That won him top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night. She said, Aye, and what was your toast?

John replied, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?

She said, Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

En la alcoba conyugal, la sensual esposa recibe al marido a las tres de la mañana diciéndole:

Desabrocha mi blusa y déjala sobre la cama.

Sí.

Ahora el sostén y ponlo en la silla.

Claro.

Deja mi falda en el ropero.

Bueno.

Ahora mis pantys en el cesto.

Ya está.

¡Y que sea la última vez que te pones mi ropa, maricón de mierda!

Estaba en el cielo una fila de hombres blancos esperando a que San Pedro les tomara sus datos y los enviara a sus respectivos lugares definitivos cuando llegó un negro.

El negro, viendo que todos en la fila eran blancos, se pone nervioso y se dice, Ahora se van a cargar conmigo por ser negro, y me van a mandar al infierno, tengo que idearme algo.

Así que cuando llega su turno San Pedro le pregunta su nombre y el negro contesta, Leonardo DiCaprio

San Pedro coge el teléfono y dice, Jesús, ¿el Titanic se quemó o se hundió?

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, Where do you live?



Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guys house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guys wife comes to the door. The man says, Hello, Ive brought your husband home.



The wife looks at the man and asks, Wheres his wheel chair?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?