Old and New Jokes

A big, burly man visited the pastors home and asked to see the ministers wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. Madam, he said in a broken voice, I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.How terrible! exclaimed the preachers wife. May I ask who you are?The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. Im the landlord, he sobbed.

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?

A: A new age song.

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

… one drunk Irishman …

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thumpin!
Thumping who?
Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back!

Se encuentran Venancio y Manolo, pero éste último tenía un pingüino de la mano, y Venancio le pregunta:

Oye, Manolo, ¿pero qué haces con ese pingüino?

Pues na, que me lo he encontrao y no se qué hacer con él.

Cómo serás tonto Manolo, ¿por qué no lo has llevao al zoológico?

Hombre, pues qué buena idea. Hoy mismo lo llevo al zoológico.

Al día siguiente se vuelven a encontrar, pero Manolo sigue con el pingüino, por lo que Venencio, extrañado, le pregunta:

¿Qué ha pasado contigo Manolo, no habeis dicho que llevarías al pingüino al zoológico?

Hombre pues lo he llevao, y nos hemos divertido tanto que ahora nos vamos al circo.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

How many Italians does it take to screw in the light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in, and two to shoot the witnesses.

Its rated Arr!

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didnt get there by himself, he doesnt belong there, he cant get anything done while hes up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. Thats a post turtle."

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”