Old and New Jokes

Doctor: Youre in good health. Youll live to be

80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish.

After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the worlds smartest man.

Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to his friend.

The second man thinks for a moment, then says, I want to be smarter than him!

Done, says the genie, and turns him into a woman!

A priest, Baptist minister & a rabbi were having lunch when the priest & minister started talking about fishing. you know, said the rabbi, I should take up fishing. Well, said the priest, come with us. Were going this afternoon. Theyre out in the boat fishing when suddenly the priest steps out of the boat & walks a few yards away & begins fishing. The rabbi is dumbfounded seeing the priest walk on water. A while later the minister joins the priest.The rabbi is shocked. Finally he thinks, my faith is as strong as theirs. If they can walk on water so can I. He steps out of the boat & almost drowns. He struggles back in the boat. Soon, he tries again with the same result. The priest looks over at the minister & says, ya think we should tell that stupid son of a bitch where the rocks are?

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

I was driving through downtown San Antonio with my boss when we passed a
sign reading Museum of Texas Culture.

Huh. That ought to take about ten minutes to see, I scoffed.

Without missing a beat my boss replied, Why in Gods name would you want
to go through twice?

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to
accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Ive changed all the light bulbs in my house to energy saving lightbulbs and Im still tired!

One day there were three men walking down the street. One was black, one was French, and one was Polish.

As they walked by a farm, a farmer stopped them and asked if theyd like to take a test to win his daughters hand. Being game, they all said, Why the hell not?

Good, the farmer said. He then explained to them that they would have to jump over a fence (electric), get through some mud (quick-sand), and fuck his cow.

The black man went first. He only got as far as the fence, but he got a permanent set of Dred-Locks!

Next, the French man went. He just barely jumped the fence when he sloshed right into the quicksand. He screamed, Help! Help, mes amis! The farmer quickly stuck his foot on the poor Frogs head.

Finally it was the Polacks turn. He jumped the fence with ease, got through the quicksand with the help of the Frogs slightly liquified head, and then proceeded to screw the cow.

The farmer, being amazed at all this, decided hed give the guy some land along with his daughter.

So, the farmer said, are you ready to marry my 19-year-old daughter and get some of my farm?

Well, sir, the Polack nervously replied, Id love to take the land, but could I please keep the cow?

The angry preacher…



The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!



No one moved.



The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!



Again all was quiet.



Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.



Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.