Old and New Jokes

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us.

I tell him, Well, were just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 oclock.

He said, Great! Ill be here at 8 oclock, maybe 8:35…

So next day he shows up at 8 oclock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us.

He said, Great! Ill be here at 8 oclock, maybe 8:35…

So the next day he shows up at 8 oclock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par!

Im a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, Youre a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?

He said, Well…when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed.

Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed.

So I ask, what if she is laying on her back?

Thats when I get here at 8:35.

Una mujer llega a su casa y encuentra a su marido y a su comadre haciendo el amor. Ofendida, se va corriendo con su compadre y le cuenta lo que vio; decidida a desquitarse, le sugiere al tipo:

Compadre, puesto que nos están engañando hay que vengarnos.

Entonces, empiezan a hacer el amor una y otra vez. Veinte minutos después, le dice la comadre:

¿Nos volvemos a vengar compadre?

Hoy ya no, comadre, se me acabó el rencor.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyones whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.



I didnt bring the bottle opener, Steve says. I thought you packed it. Joe gets worried.



He turns to Poncho. Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?



Naturally, Poncho doesnt have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that theyll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles graves that they wont touch the food.



So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.



I NEED FOOD! he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. NO! Joe retorts. We promised. Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.



But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, Just for that, Im not going.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wifes side. Sleep now, its all right, he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, Honey, I really need to tell you something. Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.

Dont worry about it, Jake said, I allready know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

Whats black, brown, and looks good on an [ethnic]?

A Doberman

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.

A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down.

They tried everything but it still wouldnt work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant.

He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life.
Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.

Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, One thousand
dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!

The next day the new bill arrived. It read,

Tapping computer with hammer: $1
Knowing where to tap: $999

white house

What does a apple and a blonde have in common?

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors