Old and New Jokes

A guy and a gal were in the backseat of his car after having sex. The guy says to the gal, If I would have known you were a virgin I would have taken more time. The gal replies, Hell, if Id a known you had more time, Id a taken off my pantyhose.

Womens faults are many, men have only 2:

Everything they say and everything they do.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ocelot!
Ocelot who?
Ocelot of questions dont you!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

Hello? Im calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbors house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

Yep.

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, Beerrr!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,lemonadeee!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling wheeeeeeeee!!!

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog for Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

You talk? he asks.

Yep, the mutt replies.

So, whats your story?

The mutt looks up and says, Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, Ten dollars.

The guy says, This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?

The owner replies, Hes just a big liar. He didnt do any of that stuff.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, theres the biggest horses ass Ive ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. Shes a horses ass too, the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Bush country! Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!

Mind over matter… if you dont mind it doesnt matter.

A baseball team