Old and New Jokes

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a

blonde drives a car?

A: Cause she blows the horn!

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Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage?

he wife told the judge that her husband was driving her buggy!

Q: Whats the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?

A: Every man for himself!

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are there 5 sylables in the word monosylabic?

If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

Jaimito escribe una carta en Navidad:

Querido niño Jesús:

Este año me he portado muy pero muy bien y espero que en Navidad me dejes una bicicleta junto al arbolito.

Atentamente Jaimito.

Al dirigirse a dejar la carta, junto al pesebre vió el rostro de la Virgen María que lo miraba fijamente. Arrepentido, rompió la carta y escribió una nueva:

Querido niño Jesús:

Este año me he portado bien y espero que me traigas una bicicleta y la dejes junto al árbol de Navidad.

Atentamente Jaimito.

Nuevamente se dirige al pesebre y siente la mirada de la Virgen María; duda un momento y rompe la carta, para escribir otra nueva:

Querido niño Jesús:

Este año no me he portado muy bien, pero si me traes una bicicleta prometo que el próximo sí lo haré.

Atentamente Jaimito.

Se dirige al pesebre y nuevamente siente que la Virgen María lo observa; se detiene y piensa un segundo; toma la carta; la rompe; toma la figura de la Virgen María; la encierra en el ropero y escribe:

Jesús:

Tengo a tu madre. Si quieres volver a verla, déjame una bicicleta junto al árbol esta Navidad.

En una ocasión, el Señor Jesucristo, invitó a los 12 apostoles a orar en una montaña, pero les pidió que llevarán una roca, no les dijo para qué ni ellos preguntaron, asi qué todos lelvaron su piedra de tamaño considerable, mientras que Pedro, flojo como ninguno, se lleva una piedrita que le cabe en la mano.

Van todos subiendo la montaña, cuando por fin llegan, Jesus les pide que se sienten en sus respectivas piedras, oran, y al cabo de varias horas, algunos enpiezan a murmurar que ya casi anochece y que no llevaron comida, pero el Señor los escucha y les dice, hombres de poca fé yo los alimentaré, y les convierte sus respectivas piedras en alimento, pero como Pedro llevó una piedra muy chiquita se queda con hambre.

A la siguiente semana se repite el proceso, El Señor los invita a orar a la montaña y que lleven sus piedras, pero ahora Pedro, nada tonto, se agarra una roca tan grande que apenas puede con ella, por fin llegan a la cima de la montaña, y Pedro muy agotado sólo espera la hora de la comida para comerse ese banquete, ya casi al anochecer, Pedro le pregunta, Señor, perdone mi pregunta, pero ¿a que hora va usted a convertir nuestras piedras en alimento?

No Pedro a ninguna hora, hoy traje tortas.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.



Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food. the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well!



They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.



The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.



No, thanks, says the plant manager. I tried smoking a cigar once and I didnt like it.



The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. No, thanks, the plant manager replies. I tried alcohol once, but didnt like it.



Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. I suppose you play golf, says the salesman. Id like to invite you to be a guest at my club.



No, thanks, the manager says. I played golf once, but I didnt like it.



Just then a young man enters the office. Let me introduce my son, Bill, says the plant manager.



Let me guess, the salesman replies. An only child?