This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom youre bouncing up and down on him.
His mom is taken by surprise and says, Oh… well…ah….well Im bouncing on his stomach because hes fat and that makes him thin again.
And the boy says, Well, that wont work!
His mom says, Why?!?
And the boy replies, Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!
23
Apr
23
Apr
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeemer!!!, he whined. You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! retorted the officer, Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!! Oh my gaaad…., replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, Wheres my Rolex?
23
Apr
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
23
Apr
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:"Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Idappreciate it if youd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
23
Apr
An upright piano.
23
Apr
Of course it did NOT went as well as I hoped it will go.
First I noticed ecards do not work anymore. After some digging I found one missing file. They should all work now.
Then I noticed that DOWNLOADS section is completely empty. What a bummer – I had a lot of funny stuff there… well – they will have to be re-added manually… Will probably have no time for it today so this will most likely happen tomorrow…
Not to mention the banners (big ones – 468×60 are gone from site header)
Webcam link mysteriously disappeared from the right menu (other custom menus did survive the upgrade)
Ecards admin did not work (it did after some editing of some configuration files…)
If you find any other bugs – please let me know by sending email to: webmaster at huumor dot com
23
Apr
If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five,
maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters…
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd still have to pay for
it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small
city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with
their toasters.
If Apple made toasters…
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up,
or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb
burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special
set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share
would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively
toasted on the MacToaster.
If The NeXT Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters…
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national
security.
Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the 70s, didnt they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters…
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Xerox made toasters
You could toast one-sided or two-sided. Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it,
and youd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out
of the box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters…
They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was
still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away, and
that indeed the whole appliance was good at blowing smoke.
If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same
time.
If Timex made toasters…
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You
would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters…
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
Ginsu knives.
If Wang made toasters…
Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a
toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the
toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy
another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got
more orders for the original.
If Fisher-Price made toasters…
Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast
the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If Unix made toasters…
Very few people would under would understand how to make toast. There
would be toaster geeks, in pony tails, jeans and tea-shirts who would
spend sixteen hours a day in front of the toaster making toast.
If BHP IT made toasters…
14 Consultants would be assigned to help you place the toast in the slots.
You would be required to create your own user manual.
Once the toaster was purchased, you would be stuck with the consultants
for over a year.
22
Apr
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
Our flag symbolizes our taxes, he said. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.
Thats the same with us, the American said, only we see stars, too.
22
Apr
Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.
22
Apr
A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers, a real delicacy, for only 49 cents a burger. He was astounded at his good fortune to find such a bargain. When he inquired of the cook, the cook told him that in order to keep prices down he had to add some filler: in fact, only part of the burger was rabbit meat. The rest was horse meat.
How much of each kind of meat is in a burger? asked the customer.
The cook replied, There is an equal amount of horse and rabbit in the burger: One horse, one rabbit.