Old and New Jokes

Tres amigas están hablando de sus respectivos maridos:

La primera dice: Pues chicas, resulta que el otro día acababa de hacer el amor con mi Paco y me dio por tocarle sus huevos… ¡Si vieran lo fríos que estaban!

La segunda: ¡Claro! Como los pobrecitos se quedan fuera… A los de mi Mariano les pasa lo mismo.

La tercera: ¡Oich! ¿Qué me dicen? No tenía ni idea, pero ni idea… Bueno, esta noche lo compruebo y ya les contaré.

Al día siguiente se reúnen de nuevo y una viene hecha un cristo con un ojo morado:

Pero, chica, ¿qué te ha pasado?

Pues resulta que ayer por la noche, después de hacer el amor con mi Bartolo, fui a comprobar lo de los huevos fríos y se me ocurrió decir: ¡Mira! ¡Como los de Paco y Mariano! ¡Y si vieran la que se armó!

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:



Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.



Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:



Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.

Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands
full of sheep?

War brides.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

What do you call two black guys on a bike?

Organized crime.

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.



The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other mans hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention…

Two boys are playing football in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter from the Columbus Dispatch who was strolling by, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
Young Buckeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.
But Im not a Buckeye fan, the little hero replied.replied.
Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again.
Little Bobcat Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.
I am not a Bobcat fan either, the boy said.
I assumed everyone in Central Ohio was either for the Buckeyes or Bobcats. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.
Im a Michigan fan. the child replied.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages.. (I dont want to do my dad)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way.. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.. I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)

6. Ive got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys)..

5. I dont date men where I work.. (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. Its not you, its me.. (Its you.)

3. Im concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. Im celibate.. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Lets be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing.)

Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours–3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries…