Old and New Jokes

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?

Self-employed!

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, Ill be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please. When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. I told you guys only one moose! the furious flier screamed. Theres no way the plane can take off with that much weight! Youre just a chicken pilot, one hunter said. We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasnt afraid to take off. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it. They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. Where are we? one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.

Secret tips for making a marriage last…

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good

food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

Somewhere I havent been in a long time!

So I suggested, How about the kitchen?

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasnt running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me In the lake.

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasnt lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, Am I too late for the garbage?

The driver said, No, jump in!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit… Chris: – I reckon hes an accountant. James: – No way – hes a stockbroker. Chris: – He aint no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldnt come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder… Chris: – Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: – No offence taken ! Im a Logical Scientist by profession ! Chris: – Oh ! Whats that then ? Suit: – Ill try to explain by example …Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris: – Er … mmm … well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: – Well, its logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: – Its in a pond! Suit: – Well then its reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: – Well then its logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Chris: – As it happens Ive got a five bedroom house… built it myself! Suit: – Well given that youve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you havent built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris: – Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris: – Me? Never Suit: – Well there you are!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Munich!
Munich who?
Munich me sick with all these jokes!

Una señora se está divirtiendo con su amante mulato cuando llega su marido. Entonces, raudo y veloz, el moreno se esconde en el clóset pero se le quedan los testículos de fuera. El marido los mira y entre extrañado y molesto pregunta:

¿Qué es esto?

Son son uuunas campanitas de Sudáfrica que envió mi papá, responde nerviosa la mujer.

Ah sí, pues veamos que tal suenan.

Enfurecido, el tipo los golpea al mismo tiempo que grita:

¿Por qué no suenan?

¡Ya chico, tilín, tilín!, sale llorando y gritando el moreno.

Un barco ruso atraca en un puerto del Caribe. Toda la tripulación se dispone a ir a la ciudad en busca de mujeres, pero se les advierte del alto índice de SIDA en el puerto y de que no deben practicar el coito sin usar condón. Entonces, toda la tripulación va hacia la única farmacia abierta en la ciudad a comprar condones.

Por más muecas que hacen, no logran hacer entender al vendedor que quieren condones ya que no hablan ni inglés ni español. Frustrados se regresan al barco. Pero, un marinero inteligente se va a la farmacia, se baja el pantalón, se saca el pito, lo coloca sobre el mostrador y pone un billete de un dólar al lado. El encargado se le queda viendo y piensa:

¡Ah, ya sé, lo que este ruso quiere es un condón!

Feliz, el tipo corre al barco y les avisa a todos cómo le hizo para conseguirlo. Todos los rusos van a la misma farmacia y hacen lo mismo: se bajan el pantalón, se sacan la pija, la colocan en el mostrador y al lado ponen un billete de un dólar. Pero a todo esto, el encargado había salido a comer y lo reemplazaba temporalmente un negrito ayudante. Éste, al ver a aquel montón de rusos piensa:

¡Ah, ya sé lo que quieren estos marineros!

En aquel momento, se baja el pantalón, saca aquella enorme pija, la coloca sobre el mostrador y anuncia:

¡Bueno, bueno, señores, lo siento mucho pero la casa gana!

Y recoge todos los billetes.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

151. Watch Psycho every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says, What in the world was that?

The old man replied, Its fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says –

Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says –

Touchdown, Im ahead 14 to 7!

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, –

Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says –

Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, What the heck was that?

The old man replied, Half-time, Switch sides!