Old and New Jokes

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:

Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.

12. Hey, wasnt your daughter a porn queen?

11. Im surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . Im not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

8. No, I dont know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

7. Back off, Barney, Ive got a piece.

6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?

5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

4. On the way to the station lets get a six pack.

3. Youll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

1. No, YOU assume the position.

Background: The hockey world is buzzing as former Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Mario Lemieux is expected to announce that he is coming out of retirement to play with the team he now owns.

[AP] – In a shocking development from the hockey world, hockey legend and superstar Mario Lemieux announced his come-back to the sport in an emotional press-conference at Mellon Arena today.

Not more than twenty minutes afterward, the Penguin great was immediatly traded to the Chicago Blackhawks for Tony Amonte, Mikael Nylander, Dean McAmmond and several undisclosed draft picks.

Craig Patrick, Penguins general manager, was asked to explain the dealing of his boss, I just wanted to do it, because its really ironic. He still owns the Penguins and everything, but now he plays for Chicago! I mean … whoa! Thats weird!

Lemieux, seen in the Mellon Arena parking lot rather livid after he learned of his trade, tried his best to ease the situation, Its my own damn fault. I didnt bother to request a no-trade clause. Im the only one to blame for this.

It wouldnt have mattered, Patrick said, I wouldve just waived him and got those same players for future considerations, heh, heh. Death threats or no.

When asked about whether or not his job could be in jeopardy, being Lemieux still owns the Pittsburgh franchise, Patrick hesitated to answer, Thats the most ironic thing of all, frankly. Wait … if an owner is back and talks to the players about money and whatever, is that collusion? Now that he plays for one team, and owns another, will he lose games against us on purpose since hes basically paying for his paycheck along with Chicago, and if he plays to lose, then wont Chicago get upset? And if so, will we be fined? I dont get it. Hold on … let me think about this for a second.

The second passed quickly, as Patricks head exploded.

Ivan Hlinka, Penguins head coach, was also reached for comment, and after conferring with Jaromir Jagr, had this to say, Dean McAmmond!!! Christ! I hate that guy! We were playing a game of Life just this summer and he kept stealing money from the bank while I wasnt looking! That cheating piece of crap! I refuse to coach him! Absolutely refuse! What? You actually like him, Jaromir? Sorry. I take that back. Dean McAmmond is an exceptional player. I love him, and wish I was a women so I could have his baby. Though, if the movie Junior was real life, and not fiction, I wouldnt have to be a woman to have his baby at all.

The two men were suddenly distracted, as Jean-Claude Van Damme was seen on the rooftops of the arena, leaping off of a helicopter as it crashed through the buildings retractable roof, forcing the villain to scream in terror as he blew up in a vast array of horrific flames and grotesque screeching metal.

• Plato:

  For the greater good.

• Karl Marx:

  It was a historical inevitability.

• Machiavelli:

  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chickens dominion maintained.

• Hippocrates:

  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in itspancreas.

• Jacques Derrida:

  Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT,DEAD!

• Thomas de Torquemada:

  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and Ill find out.

• Timothy Leary:

  Because thats the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

• Douglas Adams:

  Forty-two.

• Nietzsche:

  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

• Oliver North:

  National Security was at stake.

• B.F. Skinner:

  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

• Carl Jung:

  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

• Jean-Paul Sartre:

  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

• Ludwig Wittgenstein:

  The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

• Albert Einstein:

  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

• Aristotle:

  To actualize its potential.

• Buddha:

  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.

• Howard Cosell:

  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

• Salvador Dali:

  The Fish.

• Darwin:

  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

• Emily Dickinson:

  Because it could not stop for death.

• Epicurus:

  For fun.

• Ralph Waldo Emerson:

  It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.

• Johann Friedrich von Goethe:

  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

• Ernest Hemingway:

  To die. In the rain.

• Werner Heisenberg:

  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

• David Hume:

  Out of custom and habit.

• Saddam Hussein:

  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

• Jack Nicholson:

  Cause it (censored) wanted to. Thats the (censored) reason.

• Pyrrho the Skeptic:

  What road?

• Ronald Reagan:

  I forget.

• John Sununu:

  The Air Force was only too happy to provide thetransportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The

• Sphinx:

  You tell me.

• Henry David Thoreau:

  To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

• Mark Twain:

  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Bill, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white can and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bill struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the mans courage. Then, curious, he asked, How do you know when the ground is getting close?



Easy, replied the blind man. The leash goes slack.

Ok this happened in real life. As we are coming back from practice, one of my teammates found a Valentine chocolate in the car. It was the drivers and he said to the driver So who is the lucky guy?
The driver was like What do you mean?
He repeats Its exactly what Im saying, Who is the lucky guy?(Get it?)

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ida!
Ida who?
Ida bought another knocker if I were you!

Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.

Pepito estaba en la escuela cuando de pronto su profera le pregunta:

Pepito, ¿con qué mató David a Goliat?

Y Pepito le responde:

Con una moto, señorita.

Y su maestra muy furiosa le responde:

¿No será con una honda, Pepito.

¡Ah, usted quería la marca!