Old and New Jokes

100 men were waiting at the pearly gates of heaven to go when god appeared.

He said since as you have all lived such good lifes, i will grant you all
one wish each!

So, turning to guy No.1 he said what would you like as your wish?

To be beautiful was his reply, and so it was done.

God asked the question to man 2 and he also said to be beautiful.

Then they all were saying it and when it got to guy number 14, number 100 at the back began to giggle …

Guy 28 was saying he wanted to be beautiful when man 100 laughed out loud, and he got a piercing stare from everyone.

By the time it got to man 84, the number 100 was rollling on the floor
laughing his head off!!! But they all ignored him.

After man numero 99 said he wished to be hansome (a bit of variation!) the
guy 100 finally got his wish.

But first God asked why he was laughing, no reason he said; so God
shrugged his shoulders and asked him the same question as all the others:
what do you want?

The 100th guy said To make them all butt-ugly again!

Un hombre se dirige a Texas para hablar con el Gran Jefe de un campamento indio. Una vez allí, se encuentra con un indígena y le pregunta:

¿Dónde puedo encontrar al Gran Jefe?

El nativo le responde:

Gran Jefe Indio estar en gran cascada.

¿Y dónde está la gran cascada?

Molesto, el apache le responde:

¡Mi no saber, hoy cascársela aquí y mañana por allí!

¿Doctor, me pasa algo en la vista?

A ver, ¿que letra es esta?

La A.

¡Si, correcto, creeo que está todo bien!

¿SEGURO QUE NO TENGO NADA?

Sí.

¿De verdad que no tengo nada en la vista?

¡Que nooooo!

¿Pues entonces me puede usted decir por qué desde que me casé no veo ni un euro?

One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde hed ever laid eyes on. Ive pulled you over for speeding, Maam…. could I see your drivers license

and registration please. …Whats a license…??? replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. Your drivers license is generally in a wallet, replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration?.. asked the cop. Registration?….. Whats that….? asked the blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment… said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. Thank you Maam. Ill be back in a minute… said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the womans license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; Ummm….is this woman driving a red sports car? Yes…. replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher. Uh… yes replied the cop. Heres what you do…. said the dispatcher. Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants… WHAT!!? I cant do that. Its….. inappropriate… exclaimed the cop. Trust me….. just do it…. said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs…Ohh no… not ANOTHER breathalyzer…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Deduct!
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

I like to make jokes about ugly people. I figure whos gonna complain?

-Gallagher

After having their eleventh child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a cherry bomb (as fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a beer can and then hold it up to his ear and count to ten. The husband said, I may not be the smartest guy in the world but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.Trust me said the vet. So the husband went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count: One,Two,Three, Four, Five, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could resume counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Oklahoma, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi and West Virginia.

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

Hungry, Seymour? the Lord asked.

I could eat, said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, I could eat. Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just dont understand.

To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, for just two people, does it pay to cook?

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?

That would suit me just fine!! the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Yo mammas so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!