Old and New Jokes

What do you call a blonde in the closet? The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Va un abogado con su hijo a su hacienda ganadera.

El hijo le pregunta al abogado:

Papá, papá, ¿todo lo que veo a mi alrededor es ganado?

¡No hijo, es robado!

Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.

Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over with his maneuvers, but to no avail….the rabbit was hit before the car could be stopped.



Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone.



Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving vigorously.



Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, Its a miracle! The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving.



When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered the sequence of events. Finally he said, Father Pat, just what was in that bottle?



In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more and handed it to Father Mike who read the label:



Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave

10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the days activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievious side.

While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says dont worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients. The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says dont worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients. Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, but youre a veterinarian.

Teddy, the red nosed senator,

Had a very shiny car.

And if youve ever seen it,

You were probly near a bar.

All of the other Senators,

Wondered how he get his dames.

They thought he was to drunk,

To join in any bedroom games.

Then one clouded Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say,

Teddy with your nose so red,

Wont you help me guide my sled.

Thats how the police found him,

Wrapped around a maple tree.

Teddy, the red nosed Senator,

Youre a drunken S.O.B.!

Three college girls went in for physicals,

Upon examining the first woman the Dr. notices she has a large letter H imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her how did you get this?

She says my boyfriend is from Harvard, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love.

While examining the second woman the Dr. notices she has a large letter Y imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her how did you get this?

She says my boyfriend is from Yale, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love.

During the examination of the third woman the Dr. notices a large letter M imprinted on her chest. The Dr. says I see your boyfriend is from the University of Minnesota!

She responds No, my girlfriend is from Wisconsin!

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctors office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy its one of two things.

The Doc says, Well, its either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.

What do you mean! The guy says, Cant you tell the difference?

Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – dont have sex with her anymore!

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say Taxi!