Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door.

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.

– Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn

– Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator…

– Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror

– New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat

– Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car

– Welcome to India!

Actual feedback card:

(E) Enterprise Rent-a-Car

Comments or Questions?

Should you have any comments, questions or concerns about your rental, please contact the manager where you rented your vehicle. If after doing so, you are still in need of assistance, kindly call me at (301) 670-8649 or complete and mail the following comment card – Your thoughts are always welcome and appreciated.

Thank you,

Edward L. McCarty

President/General Manager

Your rental cars are entirely insufficient for any type of pursuit situation. Cornering in city streets at any speed over 50 miles per hour results in excessive tire slippage and near overturning.

Were it not for my superior driving ability, the irate Iranian clerk and police cruisers surely would have apprehended me. Fortunately, portions of the exhaust system fell in the cruisers path.

Is it really to much to ask that your cars be capable of speeds over 110 miles per hour? Over my entire trip of some 1800 miles (weekend rate) I was able to coax your Dodge Shadow to 108 only once – and then only downhill.

Unfortunately a noxious blue cloud seems to pour forth from the auto at this speed. I hope to continue as a loyal Enterprise customer, please see to these problems _IMMEDIATELY_.

Also please add sufficient storage space for beer bottles. Empties roll about the footwells during extreme cornering, creating a _hazard_.

I do want to compliment the perky rental agent Jen who was very understanding – even though I could not produce my drivers license at the time. Here is a customer service agent who understands that _customers_ and not some artificial rules should dictate proper policy.

It is employees like Jen who endear me to Enterprise Rent-a-Car and insure my repeat business.

A Jehovahs Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint,high pitched, Come In. He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched Come In. As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the Come In.

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, For Petes sake, is that all you can say is Come In?! The parrot laughed and said Sic him!

A: Under the soap.

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. As he is waiting for his food, he notices that the cook is flattening the raw hamburger patties by placing them under his armpits and squeezing with his arm.

He calls the manager over and points out what the cook is doing.

The manager replies, Oh, thats nothing. You ought to see how he prepares the donuts!

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?

The second one says, Well, my husband sent me to charm school.

The first one says, Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?

The second one says, Because I used to say, Who gives a fuck, but now I say, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: Oh, $40 a year isnt too bad.

Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and youre up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and its a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

If youre depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesnt work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husbands loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th? The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, Oh my God! The preacher said, Thats correct. And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation? The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, Jesus Christ! And the preacher said, Right again. With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born? The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, If you stick that damn thing in me again, Im going to break it in half!

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If you lick the air, does it get wet?