Old and New Jokes

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: He was stapled to the chicken!

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What youd better have around de yard if youre going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

I picked up Jose Canseco’s new book about steroids and it’s amazing.

When I bought it, it was 175 pages. I put it on the table overnight, and the next morning it’s up to 225. It’s amazing.

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM offices.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available at FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available to FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Passover.


Left the door open


For the Prophet


Elijah.


Now our cat is gone.

So the brunettes sit on the bottom section and the blonds sit on the top. The brunettes are laughing and having a good time as theyre riding the bus, and one brunette says wow the blonds are really quiet I better go check on them. So she goes up to the top and the blonds are stairing silently forward, holding the rails with white knuckles. The brunette asks whats wrong, were all fine downstairs, and one blond looks up and says well thats because you have a driver.

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. How did you get here, by train?

No, I flew

What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?

Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and what landed outside the circle God kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat! I throw the money into the air and what God wants, God takes.