02
May

20 Plots Youll Never See on Star Trek: The Next Generation

1. The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field, and theyve seen it many times before.

2. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without incident.

3. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists and they are all OK.

4. Picard, Riker, and Data visit the Holodeck and it works perfectly.

5. Captain Picard has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, but the Prime Directive makes it easy.

6. A power surge on the bridge is correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by a well-trained engineering staff using common diagnostic equipment.

7. The officers of the Enterprise encounter a new lifeform, which later turns out to be a common, well-known lifeform who was wearing a funny mask as a joke.

8. A major emergency happens near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it.

9. The Enterprise kicks in warp speed and hits a large planet coming from the right that they didnt see in time.

10. The crew if the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious illness, but the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay storeroom.

11. Geordie looks at something through his electronic eye band and realizes he hasnt the faintest idea what he is looking at.

12. While being attacked by Romulans, Picard orders warp speed and the Enterprise stalls and wont start up without a call to AAA.

13. Data is passed over for promotion because he cannot understand the most basic nuances of what people are saying to him.

14. Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a geek and he has to start making friends his own age for a change.

15. Counselor Troi makes an analysis that states something other than that which is blindingly obvious.

16. A mysterious being composed of pure energy tries to enter the Enterprises computer but finds out it didnt bring the right plugs along.

17. Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visi

01
May

Q: How many proofreaders

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders arent supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.

01
May

complete circuit

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!

01
May

On successive charts of the

On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.

01
May

Confusius say: He who smoke

Confusius say: He who smoke pot, choke on handle.

01
May

Yo mama

Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles started popping out…

01
May

Death by Stabbing

A woman in her 90s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She cant live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesnt want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly womans left thigh.

01
May

Improving Olympic security

The events of Sept. 11th have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

Among the measures:

Testing athletes urine for traces of terrorism

Eliminating Mens 200m Embassy Bomb event

Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound

Assigning athletes from Arab nations around-the-clock security buddy

All open flames to be immediately extinguished

Investigating any and all reports of fine white powder

Strictly prohibiting foreigners from Olympic village

Warning athletes not to make any sudden movements

Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

01
May

2 Hillbilly jokes (some rude words)

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliffs edge.

As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, Oh, my God, Clem, were gonna die!

Aw, dont worry about a thing, Clem reassured him, looking below. Theres a stop sign at the bottom.


The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.

Wheres the fire? called the chief.

Aint no fuckin fire, replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, but who the hell wouldve rescued me if Id yelled, Shit! Shit! Shit!?

01
May

Top ten differences between marijuana and tobacco

Theres never been a macho Acapulco Man advertising campaign.
You dont see groups of stoners huddled around office building doorways in the rain.
No toothpastes are available to get rid of embarassing THC stains on your teeth.
The Spliffs Annual Tennis Classic didnt happen this year.
There are no Senators who identify themselves as being from marijuana states.
No drug kingpin (or other CEO) has lied before Congress about the addictiveness of marijuana.
Uh … wow, what was the question again?
Clinton has definitely inhaled tobacco.
Youll never, ever find the end of a marijuana cigarette on a sidewalk or in a public toilet.

… and the Number One difference between marijuana and tobacco:

Five years imprisonment and a $50,000 dollar fine!