These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, I cant live in the same room with you, storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
If success consisted simply of not taking chances, then glory would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.
You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.
Is there anything which your holiness desires?
Well, yes, the Pope replied. I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of mans relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, Theres an R, theres an R — its celibRate!
Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God’s and whatever lands on the left is mine.†The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine. They both contemplate each others answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. Well, how do you do it? asks the first to the third. Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, hell grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven – one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes little kids.
Estaba un borracho caminando tranquilamente en la calle y de repente se encuentra un muerto tirado debajo de una caseta telefónica y decide llamar a la policÃa:
Buenas noches, usted está hablando a la estación de policÃas, ¿cual es su problema?
He encontrado a un muerto dice el borracho.
Está seguro de que está muerto.
SÃ, señor estoy seguro.
Muy bien, en que calle se encuentra.
Espéreme, le vuelvo a llamar ahorita.
Entonces el borracho se dirige a ver el nombre de la calle y apresurado regresa al teléfono y vuelve a marcar.
Buenas noches usted está hablando a la estación de policÃas, ¿cual es su problema?
Soy el del muerto.
Ah sà señor, ¿cual es la calle?
Es… a ver, déjeme volver a ir a ver.
Vuelve a ir a ver el nombre de la calle y esta vez lo va repitiendo en su mente.
Buenas noches, usted está hablando a la estación de policÃas, ¿cuál es su problema?
Soy yo el del muerto.
Ah sÃ, usted, ¿cómo se llama la calle?
Ah, es… a chingá otra vez se me olvidó.
Va varias veces y siempre a la hora de marcar se le olvida el nombre de la calle. Hasta que por la duodécima vez habla:
Buenas noches, usted está hablando a la estación de policÃas, ¿cual es su problema?
El del muerto.
Ah otra vez usted, señor, ahora sà dÃgame como se llama la calle.
Insurgentes.
Pero por que no lo dijo antes si no está tan difÃcil.
¡Es que el nombre de la otra estaba tan difÃcil que mejor movà al muerto!
UNIQUE PARROT
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what hes
looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesnt seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chets left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing; Silent Night, Holy Night. The husband
is very impressed with Chets singing abilities and watches as the manager
moves the lighter underneath Chets right foot. Chet now starts to sing
Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way. The husband says Chet is perfect and
that hell take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrots special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chets
left foot and the bird sings Silent Night. He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of Jingle Bells. The
wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband
what happens if he holds the lighter between Chets legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the birds legs, and the
bird begins to sing – – Chets Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, Im going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam. The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, Not big enough.
She brings out a bigger one. He says, Still not big enough. She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, Still not big enough.
She says, Listen, Ace, why dont you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?
Q: Why do navy ships have marines on them?
A: Sheep would be to obvious.