Old and New Jokes

A young man comes home and says Dad, just got my drivers license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies, :O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then well see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. Dad, I got great marks on my report card. Ive been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies, Thats all true, but son you didnt cut your hair.

Son says, But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

Father replies, Yes, son, youre perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

George W. Bush.

A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the girls discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair bleached. She convinced the others that the old saying, Blondes have more fun, is true. The ladies became so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates.

They even charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served. When hard times hit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on. Some of them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees they charged their customers.

They have become known as: The taxi-free municipal blondes.

From the book Ahaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. Oh, well never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship, the husband explained. She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He continued, She communicates well and I act like Im listening.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?

The husband sobbed, I would have gotten out today.

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.

9. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.

8. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.

7. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling

him Annie.

6. Constantly complaining about being Stiff all over while eyeing

Chiaki.

5. Couldnt get him to stop doing the Viagra experiment.

4. When warned, Theres a Meteor Shower ahead, he thought they said,

Shower cause hed peed the bed.

3. Couldnt seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.

2. Theres a real good reason why we call old men Old Farts.

1. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didnt.

This one, also, comes from Sam Sexton, in Coventry.

This is more of a visual joke, as actions should accompany the words, but Ill
leave those to your imagination….

A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make
sure from the start that they understand important matters, so he explains
to his bride:

When I want sex with you, I will squeeze your left breast once.

When I do not want sex with you, I will squeeze your right breast twice.

When you want sex with me, you should pull my penis once.

When you do not want sex with me, you should pull my penis fifty-five times.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Theyd also like to remove the socket as you arent using it now.

Never leave hold of what youve got until youve got hold of something else.

A patient goes to a Polish doctor:

Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup.

Seven Days Later: Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.