There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant."Its in case I get shot. I dont want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "Thats very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned."Get my brown pants."
13
Apr
13
Apr
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in
horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going
price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the
donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: Pastors Ass Shows
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won!
The local paper read: Pastors Ass Out Front.
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race. The next day, the local paper read: Bishop Scratches Pastors Ass
The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next
day: Nun Has Best Ass in Town
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it
to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read: Nun Sells Ass For $10.00
After the bishop was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free
The bishop was buried the next day.
12
Apr
The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.
12
Apr
Un agricultor le dice un dÃa a un amigo: Tengo un árbol frutal que tiene el sabor de cuatro frutas diferentes.
Eso no puede ser cierto, es completamente imposible.
AsÃ, que se van a la finca a probar el fruto. Una vez allÃ, el amigo muerde de un fruto y exclama:
Esto sólo sabe a melocotón.
Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta, insiste el cultivador.
Le da la vuelta y el amigo responde asombrado: ¡Caramba, pero si es magnifico, también sabe a piña!
Dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta, vuelve a insistir el plantador.
¡Esto es impresionante, ahora tiene el sabor del melón!
Pues dale otra vuelta y verás.
Le da otra vuelta y el amigo queda estupefacto: ¡Pero si esto es una bomba, sabe a mandarina, tienes que patentar este frutal!
Al cabo de unos meses, se encuentran otra vez y el agricultor le dice al amigo: Ahora tengo una fruta que da el sabor de las mujeres.
¡Eso si que es imposible, no puede existir esa fruta!
De modo que van a la finca y el amigo desprende una del árbol.
¡Aaahhjj, pero si esto sabe a mierda!
¡Pues dale la vuelta, dale la vuelta!
12
Apr
How many Bratslaver Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
12
Apr
Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: Heres a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her.
So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: I tried, but I just can not do it.
The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.
Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,
Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA, to which the man replies: Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!
12
Apr
Bigotry … an Italian redwood.
Bigamist … an Italian fog.
Innuendo … an Italian suppository.
Specimen … an Italian astronaut.
Lyles Joke Boutique.
12
Apr
Q: Why did the two vectors start an internet-based company?
A: Because they thought they had a good dot product.
12
Apr
What the Boss Really Said on Our Appraisal Sheet:
PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLSAble to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLSSpends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEENot too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIEDMade no major blunders; yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITYToo ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLYDrinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLYSpouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKERNobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKINGOffers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKERWont make a decision
AGGRESSIVEObnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBSGets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELLSpeaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAILA nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIESIs tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENTLucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOURKnows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDEDBack Stabber
LOYALCant get a job anywhere else!!!
12
Apr
John Wayne Bobbitt was in the middle of testifying when he turned to the judge and asked, Your Honor, could I have a ten minute recess?
The judge asked, Why?
Bobbitt replied, I have to use exhibit A.