A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldnt know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
Ask your buddy this, Do you know what guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?
When he says, No, say to him, I didnt think you did.
Everyone was laughing uproariously at the jokes the boss was telling with obvious enjoyment. One girl, however, sat in the corner not amused.
Whats the matter? grumbled the boss. Havent you got a sense of humor?
Oh, I dont have to laugh, she said, Im leaving Friday anyway.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Ben Dover
And
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
Brilliants Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.
An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.
-Sam Levenson
Forest Gump Goes to Heaven…
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, Well, Forest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forest responds, It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test aint too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
Saint Peter goes on, Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is Gods first name?
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
Forest says, Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that ones easy; thatd be Today and Tomorrow! The saints eyes open wide and he exclaims, Forest! Thats not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didnt specify, so I give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one says Saint Peter, how many seconds in a year?
Now that ones harder, says Forest. But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.
Astounded, Saint Peter says, Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forest says, Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….. Hold it, interrupts Saint Peter. I see where youre going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind. Ill give you credit for that one too.
Lets go on with the next and final question, says Saint Peter, Can you tell me Gods first name?
Forest says, Well shore, I know Gods first name. Everbody probly knows it. Its Howard.
Howard? asks Saint Peter. What makes you think its Howard?
Forest answers, Its in the prayer.
The prayer? asks Saint Peter, Which prayer?
The Lords Prayer, responds Forest: Our Father, Howard be thy name….
A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if she has any last words. The red-head points and says, “Twister!” The terrorists ran in all different directions and the red-headed woman gets away. When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last words. She points and says, “Fire!”
A guy gos to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news. The guy says well gimme the worst news first. The doc says well sir you have Cancer.The guy says thats terrible news, but whats the bad news? The doc says well sir you also have Alzheimers disease. And the guy says well, at least I dont have Cancer.