Old and New Jokes

A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will recieve the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.

The Redhead walks in and says, I think I am the most intelligent woman here and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.

The Brunette walks in and says, I think I am the most beautiful woman here and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.

Next the Blonde walks in and says, I think… and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

…And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also.

St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes.

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks…………

Hillary says to Janet, Youre lucky that you dont have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill….and theres no telling where he last had his pecker.



Janet responded…Just because I am aesthetically challenged (thats politically correct for ugly), doesnt mean I dont have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.



Hillary asks, Well how do you deal with the problem?



Janet says, Whenever I feel that a guys getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can.



Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him…..so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.



Bill rolls over and asks, That you Janet?

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot

Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you find a large enough rock.

One day a burnette and a blond lady were walking through the park. All-of-a-sudden, the burnette stops and says Awe, look at the poor dead birdy.

The blond looks up and says Where!?

Its the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?

The youngster responds, proudly, Ya, Santa brought it for me.

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, And did Santa bring you that horse?

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, Why, yes, he did.

To which Johnny responds, Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.

SEX(1) EUNUCH Programmers Manual SEX(1)

NAME
sex – have sex

SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] … [ username ] …

DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, maam)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment

BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

MAN AUTHOUR
Sean Philip Engelson (spe@cad) at Carnegie-Mellon University

HISTORY
Oldest program ever.

What did the bird say after his cage broke?
Cheap, cheap!

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you dont, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you dont, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you dont, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an experienced man. If you dont, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you dont, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you arent, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says its bad. If you arent, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didnt respect her. If you dont, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says thats a girls way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, oh its natural, we are girls.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks its just one of the mans tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.