The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, HEY! or How Yall Doin? (If they respond with the same… theyre a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Youve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
ATENCIÓN: DIPLOMADO EN FUNCIÓN CEREBRAL PARA LA MUJER MODERNA
Objetivo del diplomado:
Iniciar a las mujeres en esa experiencia fascinante que es el uso del cerebro.
Pre-requisito:
Existencia de tutor de sexo masculino en régimen domiciliario, sin el cual el curso pierde eficacia y no se obtienen los resultados esperados.
Periodo / Duración:
Morenas: 30 dÃas por módulo.
Pelirrojas: 60 dÃas por modulo.
Rubias: Vitalicio.
Programa:
El diplomado está dividido en los siguientes cuatro módulos.
MÓDULO I: Queriendo usar tu cerebro.
– Aceptando tu propio destino: naciste mujer.
– Conociendo tu hábitat natural: la cocina.
– Superando la dependencia de tus amigas, teorÃa y práctica.
– Aprendiendo a organizar tu cartera. Ejercicios prácticos.
– Aprendiendo a comprar en menos de 4 horas. Nociones básicas.
– Establecimiento de lÃmites. El uso del maquillaje.
– Programación básica: Tú y el microondas.
– Programación avanzada: (exclusivo para morochas y pelirrojas).
РT̼ y la videocasetera.
MÓDULO II: Conduciendo.
– El automóvil: ese gran desconocido.
– ¿Qué ocurre al entrar a un auto?
– Dinámica de grupo: Estacionando el auto I: Nociones básicas. Estacionando el auto II: Evitando el banquetazo.
– Freno y acelerador: un desafÃo que puedes vencer.
– Hacer los cambios: guÃa completa y definitiva (rubias: sólo coches con transmisión automática).
– Todo lo que has deseado saber sobre izquierda/derecha y temÃas preguntar.
– Dinámica de grupo: ¿Existe diferencia alguna entre sacar la mano para indicar vuelta y para secarse el barniz de las uñas?
– Uso de las direccionales: teorÃa y práctica.
– Juego de colores: conociendo el semáforo (experiencias prácticas).
– GeometrÃa descriptiva avanzada: estacionando el auto en el garaje.
– La caja de herramientas: ese mundo inexplorado.
РSupervivencia I: En qu̩ parte del auto queda el gato.
– Supervivencia II: Cómo cambiar una rueda.
– Supervivencia III: Aprendiendo a verificar tu misma los niveles de aceite y agua.
MÓDULO III: Vida de a dos.
– TPM (tensión pre-menstrual): el problema es tuyo, no mÃo.
– Comprendiendo que por muy altos que sean los tacones nunca estarás a la altura del hombre.
– Lenguaje I: Definición de la palabra sÃ.
– Dinámica de grupo: Ejercicios prácticos para la pregunta expresa: ¿Ya estás lista?
– Lenguaje II: Definiendo el concepto 5 minutos.
– Dinámica de grupo: Esperando 5 minutos a las demás (requisito para la dinámica: llevar almohadas).
– SociologÃa básica: El fútbol no es un juego; es un acto sagrado.
– Educación cÃvica y moral I: Aceptando el fútbol los domingos.
– Educación cÃvica y moral II: Aceptando las charlas de fútbol entre hombres.
– Educación cÃvica y moral III: Aprendiendo a no intervenir en las conversaciones de los hombres (sobre todo las de fútbol).
– Evitando preguntas inútiles tales como: ¿Estoy gorda? ¿Cómo me queda?, ¿Qué me notas de diferente?
РSinceridad I: T̼ tambi̩n tienes gases.
– Dinámica de grupo: Experimentando.
РSinceridad II: T̼ tambi̩n tienes mocos.
– Dinámica de grupo: Sonándose la nariz a la hora de comer.
– Sinceridad III: ¿Por qué te crece el bigote? El lado masculino de toda mujer.
– DÃa de compras I: La tarjeta de crédito y aquella palabra desconocida: lÃmite.
– DÃa de compras II: Dividiendo los volúmenes. Tú también puedes cargar
РPor qu̩ tu madre no es bienvenida. 250 ejemplos comentados.
– El fenómeno del tiempo: la cena a la hora de la cena.
MÓDULO IV: Abriendo los ojos a la realidad.
– Uso del teléfono I: Cuándo cortar.
– Dinámica de grupo: Cuatro personas por aparato (avisar que no llegan a cenar).
РLa metamorfosis femenina a trav̩s del maquillaje. Fotos y proyecciones.
РMultihabilidades I: Conducir al mismo tiempo en que te maquillas, te pintas las u̱as, hablas por el celular y rega̱as a los ni̱os en el camino al doctor para la cita de tu madre.
– Eliminando el vicio de las telenovelas: el primer paso hacia el proceso de desintoxicación cerebral.
– Entendiendo de una vez y por todas que los argumentos de las telenovelas son situaciones ficticias que nacen de la imaginación de un pseudoescritor.
– ¿Qué ocurre con tu cuerpo? Tú y la ley de gravedad.
– Aceptándote a ti misma: los espejos nunca mienten.
SOLICITA YA TU LUGAR.
¡CUPO LIMITADO!
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner dont do wonders cleaning this up, Ill eat every chunk of it.
She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup with that?
The salesman says, Why do you ask?
She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned on yet.
You might be a redneck if you think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are Gentlemen! Start your engines!
Theres this man whos taking a walk around the red light district
until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: The
Hooker With Three Breasts…. The man gets just a little
interested and thinks well… that could be a once in a lifetime
experience. So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the
counter. Id like to see the hooker with the three breasts he
says.
Are you sure you can afford that… Itll cost you a thousand
dollars the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pulls his
wallet and pays him the money. So, hes taken up three stairs to a
little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room…
there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it…
three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of
the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp
another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that
little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before,
she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is
wrong… Hey! You had three breasts yesterday… he says after
which she smiles and says What did you expect honey… you can only
suck out a boil like that once!.
Q. Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A. The taste.
Q. Whats the difference between Herpes and love?
A. Herpes lasts forever.
Q. If our ancestors came over on a boat. How did Herpes come over?
A. On the Captains Dingy.
Q. Whats old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?
A. Fred Astairs face.
Do you serve women at this bar?
No, sir, you have to bring your own.
Did you take a bath?
Why, Is there one missing?
Are you chewing gum?
No, Im John Smith.
Arent you hot from the sun?
No, Im Smith from the Times.
Why did you park your car here?
The sign says: Fine for parking!
I want to buy a dress to put on around the house.
Yes, Madam. How large is your house?
What are you going to be when you graduate?
An old man
I spent three years in college taking medicine.
Are you well now?
Do you say a prayer before you eat?
No, we dont have to. My mother is a good cook.
Ive got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner.
Who wants to eat friends?
Welcome home, darling. Ive got dinner almost ready. I have candles and wine on the table.
But I dont want to eat candles and wine for dinner.
We are having mother for dinner, darling.
Make sure shes well done.
I want some rat poison.
Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?
It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.
Well, I guess thats why Ive got two ears.
My father was a Pole.
North or South?
May I hold your hand?
No, thanks, It isnt heavy.
Does water always come through the roof in this place?
No, sir, only when it rains.
When will you straighten out the house, dear?
Why? Is it tilted?
Do these stairs take you to the second floor?
No, youll have to walk
Get out of here! This isnt your house.
Thats okay. Im not myself tonight.
Now that youre married, you should have some insurance
But why? My wife isnt dangerous.
I have changed my mind.
Thank heaven! Does it work better now?
A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance.
Im having trouble with my eyes, the man says. I cant see myself going to work.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesnt have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, Im blonde, Im smart, I have a good job, and Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats Im blonde, Im smart, I have a good job and Im staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesnt even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasnt going to Jamaica.
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: So how are your men?
Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.
I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see theyre the bravest men all over the country. Well, my men are very brave, too.
Id like to see that.
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!
Are you crazy? Itd kill me, you idioy! Im out of here! As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.