Old and New Jokes

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

Existían 10 bellas islas desiertas en medio de la nada, donde quedaron varadas las siguientes personas:

Isla Desierta 1: 2 italianos y 1 italiana.

Isla Desierta 2: 2 franceses y 1 francesa.

Isla Desierta 3: 2 alemanes y 1 alemana.

Isla Desierta 4: 2 griegos y 1 griega.

Isla Desierta 5: 2 ingleses y 1 inglesa.

Isla Desierta 6: 2 búlgaros y una búlgara.

Isla Desierta 7: 2 estadounidenses y 1 estadounidense.

Isla Desierta 8: 2 japoneses y 1 japonesa.

Isla Desierta 9: 2 irlandeses y 1 irlandesa.

Isla Desierta 10: 2 españoles y 1 española.

Un mes después, en estas islas completamente desiertas, en medio de la nada, ocurrió lo siguiente:

Isla Desierta 1: Un italiano mató al otro para quedarse con la italiana.

Isla Desierta 2: Los dos franceses y la francesa viven muy felices en un menage à trois.

Isla Desierta 3: Los dos alemanes hicieron una programación semanal donde ellos se turnan para tener sexo con la alemana.

Isla Desierta 4: Los dos griegos están durmiendo juntos y la griega limpia y les cocina.

Isla Desierta 5: Los 2 ingleses están esperando que alguien les presente a la inglesa.

Isla Desierta 6: Los 2 búlgaros miraron el mar, luego miraron a la búlgara, miraron el mar nuevamente y empezaron a nadar.

Isla Desierta 7: Los 2 estadounidenses están contemplando las virtudes del suicidio, mientras la estadounidense continúa hablando de ella, de la verdadera naturaleza del feminismo, de como ella puede hacer todo lo que ellos pueden hacer, de la necesidad de la tranquilidad interior, de la igualdad, de la división de las tareas domésticas, de como su último novio respetaba la opinión de ella, etc.; pero por lo menos no está lloviendo y los impuestos son menores.

Isla Desierta 8: Los 2 japoneses enviaron un fax a Tokio y están esperando instrucciones.

Isla Desierta 9: Los irlandeses dividieron la isla en Norte y Sur, en donde cada uno abrió una cervecería. Ellos no se acuerdan si han tenido sexo o no con la irlandesa después de algunos litros de whisky de coco, pero están satisfechos porque los ingleses no están allí.

Isla Desierta 10: Cada español piensa que la española tiene relaciones sexuales solamente con él.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:



Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

Form a loose grip.

Keep your head down.

Avoid a quick backswing.

Stay out of the water.

Try not to hit anyone.

If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

Dont stand directly in front of others.

Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

Dont take extra strokes.

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroners to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

This is Cletus, he says. He died of shock after winning $20 million on the lottery.



He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. This is Bo, the coroner says with a grin. He died having a good time with Trudy-May.



Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. This is Roscoe, says the coroner. He died after being struck by lightning.



Well, asks the detective, Why in heck was the fool smiling?



Oh, says the coroner. He thought he was having his picture taken.

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it….my, that was fun!

The reporter couldnt write a story about that so he asked for another.

Well, when my neighbors wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated. Sir, I cant submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

Well, the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time I got lost…

My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of
his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his
wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get
a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well,
as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, Excuse me,
but is that a record in your pants? To this he responded, It may not be
a record, but Im mighty proud of it.

Yea, I know it didnt really happen, but I felt like
telling my joke in this manner :-).

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

If you liked the Hunchback, youll love these Disney versions . . .

The Inferno by Dante Aligheri

The poet Dante (the voice of Bruce Willis) is led by his friend
Virgil (the voice of Anthony Quinn) on a magical trip
underground to the land of Heck. Among the delightful
creatures they visit are the lovebirds Paolo and Francesca (the
voices of Andrew Dice Clay and Rosie ODonnell), the Crying
Trees (the band Nirvana), and the Five Singing Little Devils
(the Jacksons).

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Pigs, chickens, horses — all the familiar barnyard crowd — are
the heroes of this charming celebration of teamwork and
diversity. The poor animals, having suffered for years on a
failing farm under the tyranny of the cruel farmer Jones (Robert
Goulet), are suddenly liberated when Jones trips and falls down
a well. Though things are chaotic at first, the kindly young pigs
Snowball (Michael J. Fox) and Napoleon (Eddie Murphy) help
the animals all work together to turn the farm into a model of
efficiency and happiness. After the animals nurse Jones back to
health, he changes his evil ways and promises to treat all living
things as his equal.

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

With his father dead and his evil uncle Claudius (Sylvester
Stallone) now ruling over the once-happy people of Denmark,
all seems lost for poor prince Hamlet (Johnny Depp). But
Hamlets father (Leslie Nielson) is only pretending to be dead
until he can safely help place his young son on the throne and
his evil brother in jail. Featuring an underwater ballet with the
beautiful Ophelia (Bette Midler) and the loony antics of a wise-
guy skull named Yorick (Rodney Dangerfield), Hamlets best
friend.

No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre

Old friends Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Minnie Mouse are
surprised to find themselves sharing a room in a beautiful resort
hotel. Their every need is catered to by a mysterious butler (Jim
Carrey). Opening in conjunction with Walt Disney Worlds new
attraction, Being-and-Nothingness Land.

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Young Gregor Samsa (Arnold Schwarzenegger), overwhelmed
by the demands of his job as a clerk, wishes each night that he
was a creature without responsibility. He is amazed one
morning when he awakes to find himself changed into a
beautiful beetle, which delights his family and terrifies his cruel
boss (Jerry Seinfeld), who is horribly afraid of insects. Jiminy
Cricket guides young Gregor to a happy community of insects
that nest below the dull city of Prague.

Oedipus Rex by Sophocles

Thanks to the advice of a wise old owl (Sally Kellerman), a
young boy (Neil Patrick Harris) avoids many traps set by the
evil fates (Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepard, and Mary Tyler
Moore) to help save Greece from disaster. The boy, who was
stolen from his family at birth, is finally reunited with his loving
mother (Barbara Streisand) and father (Bill Cosby).

Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett

Vladimir and Estragon (the delightful Chip n Dale) wait for
Godot (Rush Limbaugh), who arrives with limitless presents
and makes all their dreams come true.

By Marv Wolfman

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policemans brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked, What? Hows that possible?

The doctor replied, You see, its totally unused.