Old and New Jokes

What does a turtle and a blonde that are on their backs have in comin?

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the people that broke my window?

Uh, yeah. Sorry about that. the husband replied.

No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.

OK, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life.

No problem – its the least I could do. And you, what do you want? the genie said, looking at the wife.

I want a house in every country of the world, she said.

Consider it done. the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said.

Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care. The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, How old is your husband, anyway?

35. she replied.

And he still believes in genies? … Thats amazing.

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?

French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Llega un recluta a la oficina del comandante y éste le pregunta:

Tú, novato, ¿cómo te llamas?

Bartolo.

¿Cómo que Bartolo? ¡Dirás Bartolomé!

A mí me llama todo el mundo Bartolo.

¡Pues aquí te vas a llamar Bartolomé, como el santo Dios manda!

Y entra el siguiente:

Tú, novato, ¿cómo te llamas?

Domingomé.

¿Qué coño Domingomé? ¡Dirás Domingo!

Hombre, como al otro le ha puesto el me.

¡Márchate, Domingo, coño!

Y en eso que llega el tercero:

Tú, novato, ¿cómo te llamas?

Disculpe, señor comandante, pero ¿lo quiere con me, o sin me?

¡Sin me, cojones, sin me!

Pues me llamo Cos.

Im surprised that nobody has posted any jokes regarding this scandal yet.

For anybody overseas, or living in a cave, this woman Heidi ran a brothel that catered to Hollywoods biggest stars, movie executives, and (allegedly) professional sports players.

She got caught, and the whole affair has Hollywood buzzing. There are rumors that the judge is going to subpoena her black book, which contains all of her customers. The press has nicknamed her the Madam of the stars.

Because of her sudden fame, she is selling interviews, pictures, etc. (She is a prostitute after all …) I heard these prices on the radio this morning.

The movie rights to her life story, including the scandal, will be sold for $1 million dollars. (This is a very high price for movie rights, but many of the top movie executives will willingly pay more for the story, to make sure that they are NOT portrayed in the movie!)

A picture of the COVER of her black book, listing her clients, sells for $15,000.

Shes selling television interviews for $150,000. (Considering that an evening with Heidi, before she was caught, was only $1500, women should now know why men dont like to just talk!)

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?

A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?

A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: What was the blond psychics greatest achievment?

A: An IN-body experience!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

A: After a dye job.

Q: Why is the blondes brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

Q: Why didnt the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A1: Shed just dyed her hair.

A2: Shed just blow dried her hair and she didnt want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?

A: When theyre on their backs, theyre screwed.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks Where did you get that?

A: The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

Q: Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: She liked kids…

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why dont blondes make good pharmacists?

A: They cant get the bottle into the typewriter.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: I should be in charge, because I run all the bodys systems, so without me nothing would happen.
I should be in charge, said the heart, because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me youd all waste away.
I should be in charge, said the stomach, because I process food and give all of you energy.
I should be in charge, said the rectum, because Im responsible for waste removal.
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You dont have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole.

Richard Branson, after naming his record company, film company and airline Virgin Records, Virgin Films, and Virgin Atlantic respectively breaks into the condom market. Finally he has a product that is in some way associated to the name of the company. So what does he do? Names them Mates condoms. What a wasted opportunity. Perhaps he thought people would only use them on virgins.

Jiffy Condoms

A competitor (at least in the UK) is Jiffy condoms. They ran a campaign a couple of years back with some amazing T-shirts with the following slogans: (There were more, but I cant remember them).

Got a stiffy?

Wear a Jiffy.

Me no daft, me no silly,

Me wear Jiffy on my Willy.

Real men come in a Jiffy.

If shes hot and needs some succour

Wear a Jiffy so you can fuck her.

Old Halloween gag

Heard about the two homosexual ghosts?

They put the willies up each other.

Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan? A: One dead person in ten trashcans!