Old and New Jokes

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

Un homosexual va caminando por una playa y sorprendido grita:

¡Ay, un Sireno! ¡Un Sireno!

Y el supuesto Sireno dice:

!Qué Sireno, ni qué Sireno! ¡ES UN TIBURÓN QUE ME ESTÁ COMIENDO!

Photographer for the Miss Nude Octogenarian pageant
Laxative tester
Internet spelling/grammar corrector
Certified Pubic Accountant
Any job in the White House if youre wearing a skirt.

And that includes the poor bagpipe players.
Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester
Jessie Venturas press secretary
Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition
NYPD Blue Makeup Specialist, Butt Division

This is email received today.

Hello, drkoop.com members! This weeks newsletter is packed with information on parenting, protecting yourself from ultraviolet rays and more. Plus, mark your calendars for two upcoming spotlight events – dealing with back pain hosted by Dr. Michael Sinel and living a healthy lifestyle with supermodel Kathy Ireland. Until next week, good health to you!

Id like to try that lifestyle!

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldnt find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, Great, so now youre cheating on me with a bald woman!

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. Oh, please excuse me! said the bunny. I didnt mean to trip over you, but Im blind and cant see.

Thats perfectly all right, replied the snake. To be sure, it was my fault. I didnt mean to trip you, but Im blind too, and I didnt see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Well, I really dont know, said the bunny. Im blind, and Ive never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, Well, youre soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!

Then he said, I cant thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?

And the snake replied that he didnt know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, Well, what kind of an animal am I?

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, Youre hard, youre cold, youre slimy and you havent got any balls… You must be a lawyer.

OFF THE WIRE

News We Just Couldnt Pass Up

A bad-tempered parrot named Henry has been banned from a national womens lawn-bowling championship in Britain for laughing and making disrespectful remarks.
Students protesting militarism in Israel wanted more than a banner to reach the public – so they painted an army tank memorial bubble-gum pink.
A 13-year-old Ugandan girl was forced to marry her elder sisters husband-to-be after the bride eloped hours before a traditional marriage ceremony.
A Russian political group will award $3,000 to the person who provides the best joke about its opponents in Decembers parliamentary elections.
After two days baking, 10,000 eggs and 9 tons of flour, Chilean cooks finished what they claimed was the worlds largest cake. It weighed 25 tons.
Esso Singapore has hired 10 university students to sing and dance for customers while filling their gas tanks and wiping their windows.
In Kissimmee, Fla., Ronald Legendre promised to love and honor his bride forever. His best man was Ronald Legendre and Judge Ronald Legendre pronounced the happy couple husband and wife. The three men are not related.
An Ohio woman collected a $500 judgement from a telemarketer who called her once too often.
Romanian police found a couple making love in a Bucharest park and fined them the equivalent of $25 for damaging the grass, which carries steeper fines than indecent exposure.
A country bandleader thanked Medford, Ore., doctors who relieved his prostate problems with a serenade – during the operation. He was under local anesthetic.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss, From The Seattle Times, Saturday, August 19, 1995. Reprinted without permission.

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and…

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel?

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home.

Three Browns fans were standing in line at a convenience store complaining about how the Steelers made it to the Super Bowl instead of their beloved Browns.

I blame the management staff, said the first, because if they would sign eleven new players we could be a great side.

I blame the coach and the players, said the second, because if they would make some effort they might at least score a few touchdowns.

I blame my parents, said the third, because if I’d been born in Pittsburgh instead of Cleveland, I’d be supporting a decent team!

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns dont work!