Old and New Jokes

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?

Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. — Mike Adams

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Remember, if youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate!

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.

How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. Thats what organic chemists are for!

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. –quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T — D.L. Bunker

Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

On a flight from Dallas to New York, just after the Fasten Your Seat Belts
sign went out, a rather large man, in a cowboy hat and boots got up, went to the
front of the plane and announced, Im James Brown, B – R – O – W – N, I am
a white, Protestant American. Im white from tip to toe and I hate
niggers, Jews and Catholics. He then returned to his seat.

Halfway through the flight, he stood up again, walked to the front
of the plane and announced:
Hello folks, you know me, Jimmy Brown, B – R – O – W – N, a white,
Protestant American, white from tip to toe, and I can tell you this, I
hate niggers, Jews and Catholics.

Just after the captian announced that the plane was begining to descend, he
again stood, went to the front of the plane and told his story once more:
After the flight captain has announced that they are beginning to descend
Hi folks, Im Jimmy Brown, B – R – O – W – N,
a white, Protestant American and I hate niggers, Jews and Catholics.
He then returned to his seat.

A small, narrow chested person, with a black hat and a curl of hair on one
side of his head stood up and introduced himself: Ladies and gentlemen,
Im Solomon Feinstein, I am an American citizen and as you all might have
guessed, I am Jewish. But I am white from tip to toe, except for my
asshole which is brown, B – R – O – W – N.

When its ajar.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, Big John doesnt pay! and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didnt argue with Big John, but he wasnt happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; whats more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, Big John doesnt pay!, the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, And why not?

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, Big John has a bus pass.

Pumpkin Pi!

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Poles reply: Meat? What is meat?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Soviets reply: Think? What is think?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Americans reply: Lack? What is lack?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

To which all the Israelis reply: Excuse me? What is excuse me?

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, Excuse me, ladies, Id like to see your fishing licenses.

We dont have any. replied the first blonde.

Well, if youre going to fish, you need fishing licenses.

But officer, replied the second blonde, we arent fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and were collecting debris off the bottom of the river.

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

Well, I know of no law against it, said the warden, take all the debris you want. And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. What a dumb cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesnt he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire
the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for
this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends dont give a crap whether youve lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you dont have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You dont have to shave below your neck.
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You dont have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If youre 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time
You never have to drive on to another gas station because this ones just too skeevy.
You can sit with you knees apart no matter what youre wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You dont care if someones talking about you behind you back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.