A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE ILL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!
A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, did you jump?
The boy said, A little at first!
Resulta que Cornelio se ha casado con Facilisa, y ésta, la noche de bodas, coloca un cofre cerrado con un gran candado al pie de la cama.
¿Para que es ese cofre, cielo?, pregunta Cornelio, Ese es un secreto mÃo que nunca te voy a decir, le reponde su amada.
Cornelio, respetuoso del sentir de su mujer, no vuelve a preguntar. Al volver del viaje de bodas, Facilisa coloca al pie de la cama de su nuevo hogar el dichoso cofre. Cornelio, presa de la intriga y la duda, le vuelve a preguntar: Vida mia, después del maravilloso viaje de bodas, no me puedes decir que es lo que guardas con tanto celo en ese cofre? No, querido mÃo. Como te he dicho antes, es mi secreto y no te lo diré.
Asà pasan muchos años, sin que Cornelio pregunte más por el cofre. Sin embargo, al cumplir 50 años de casados, después de la celebracion, Cornelio persiste nuevamente y dice: Amor mio… son ya 50 años de casados. Hemos compartido mucho, y la verdad es que creo que es tiempo de que me digas lo que guardas en el cofre. Facilisa, conmovida por la escena, finalmente accede, y al abrirlo, Cornelio encuentra dentro cinco granitos de maiz y una bolsa repleta de dinero.
Cornelio, perturbado, le pregunta a su mujer: ¿Y eso, para que lo has guardado con tanto celo? Debo confesarte, responde Facilisa, que por cada vez que te he sido infiel, guardaba un granito de maiz en el cofre. Cornelio, aunque decepcionado, se consolaba pensando que cinco infidelidades, en 50 años de casados, después de todo no era tanto. Entonces, pregunta a Facilisa: ¿Y el dinero? Y le responde Facilisa: Es que cada vez que juntaba una tonelada de maÃz, pues la vendÃa.
Estaban varias personas en un velorio, todas muy tristes y algunas haciendo guardia al cuerpo del difunto, cuando entra un borracho hasta las cachas, se acerca al grupo que hacÃa la guardia y se dirige al primero que se le ocurre:
Oye, ¿aquà es la fiesta de quince años?
El tipo le responde: !No señor, esto es un velorio.
Y dice el borracho:
¡Con razón se me hacÃa muy grande el pastelote…!
Two drummers walk into a bar . . . which is funny cause you would think the second one would have seen it coming!!
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs
SYMBOL: EGO
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as singles bars. Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Surface often covered with hair–bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.
3) Melts if treated like a God.
4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed womans skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9) Is impervious to embarrassment.
10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
What do you call a gay Indian?
A brave sucker!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car….
There was an Irish man , an english man and a Jew. One day there was a magic slide and if you said what you wanted while u where going down. The english man went down and said gold! and got some gold. The irish man said silver and the irish man got some silver. the Jews said WEEEEEE as he was going sown and landed in some wee
There was a new car in the market that instead of putting the gear in drive, reverse, park etc.. when you say Shema Yisrael the car stops and when you say baruch Hashem the car goes. so a person went to try it out and he liked it. so he bought it. A few years later he fell of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop, so when he was falling hre prayed to hashem and said shema yisrael. so the car stopped. then after he said Baruch Hashem!!! (that the car stopped)