Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork up his ass. He says, Howd you get a cork up your ass?
The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Genie came oozing out. He said, I am a Genie, I can grant you one wish. And I said, No Shit!
16
Sep
16
Sep
Repeatedly ask, What was your last name again?
Ask her if shes going to finish that lettuce leaf.
Every week, adjust her scale to add an additional pound or two (Wait – thats the way to *kill* a supermodel).
Consistently baffle her with multisyllabic words and compound sentences.
Force her to share a runway with a 747.
Whoopie Cushion Shoulder Pads.
Taunt her with the Pythagorean Theorem and a slice of pizza.
Follow her everywhere, mumbling, Dont hate me because Im beautiful.
Make her wear that loose-fitting size 2 outfit.
Secretly replace her methamphetamines with new Folgers Crystals Methamphetamines.
Move fashion meccas from New York, Paris, and Milan to Newark, Vladivostok, and Anchorage.
Constantly demand a display of her Superhuman powers.
Tell her that global-warming will eventually lead to the erosion of collagen.
Before fixing dinner, ask her if shed rather throw-up meatloaf or throw-up spaghetti.
Keep asking, Are you the one whos married to Billy Joel?
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Way to Annoy a Supermodel…
Two words: CK wedgies.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com/ ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com ]
16
Sep
Punsylvania
16
Sep
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, … Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.
15
Sep
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gipper!
Gipper who!
Gipper your best!
15
Sep
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that youre sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint hoof-prints all over your face and clothes. While hes in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like youve been trampled. Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, This neighborhood aint big enough for the both of us.
15
Sep
After you throw up, you feel better.
You can throw up whenever you want.
When you throw up, you dont have to wait in line.
Throw-up is always warm.
You dont have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.
When youre throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.
You can lose weight throwing up.
You dont have to pay to throw up.
Throw-up is SUPPOSED to look like that.
When you throw up, you dont have to come back for seconds.
You dont have to throw up everyday.
Throwing up can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.
You can throw up without a photo ID.
Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.
They dont ration throw-up.
After you throw up, at least you know what youve eaten.
Plastic throw-up is funny. Plastic dorm food is redundant.
You dont have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.
A dog will eat throw-up.
After you throw up, at least theres some taste in your mouth.
15
Sep
very nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.
The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.
The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.
The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.
The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.
The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.
The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.
The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.
The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.
The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
15
Sep
There were two men in a bar talking and the first man began to tell
the second man a story:
One day St. Peter sent an angel to Earth to make a list of all the
people that were doing hanky-panky. The angel soon found that this
was a monumental task, so he asked St. Peter for some assistance.
However, none could be given due to the labor shortage. So, a
compromise was reached in that the angel would a list of those persons
not engaging in hanky-panky. This was a much shorter list. Upon
returning with the list, the angel was bid of St Peter to send a
letter of commendation to all those on the list that had not
participated in hanky-panky.
At this point the first man turned to the second and asked,And do you
know what the letter said? No, what did the letter say? Ah, so
you didnt get one either!
15
Sep
Q: What happens every time a man unzips his pants?
A: His brains fall out!
[Ed: Very few sexist jokes about men get submitted. Send me more
if you want to see them, like theyre asking in soc.women. ]