Old and New Jokes

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:

How many here believe in ghosts?

Everyone put up their hand.

How many have seen ghosts?

A lot of people put up their hand.

How many have touched a ghost?

Five people put up their hands

How many have had sex with a ghost?

One person put up their hand.

Well then, said the host, why dont you come up here and tell us all about it.

The man walked up.

So, how was your night with the ghost? asked the host.

Ghost? Said the man, Sorry, I thought you said goat.

Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please dont worry about poor old me. Im just fine considering I cant breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.

Ive sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope youll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so theyll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet shes never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but dont you worry none about your poor old mother. Im also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and Im actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.

Now dont you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.

Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench whats-her-name. The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.

Happy New Year.

Love,

Mom

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwin you once your dead!

One day a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows.

Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead? he asked.

No, she said.

A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous.

Does it say carpender anywhere on my forehead? he asked.

No, she said again.

A few minutes later she came back and told him the toilet was backed up.

Does it say plumber anywhere on my forehead? he asked.

No, she replied.

A couple of days later he went on a buisness trip. When he came back he asked how things had been.

Well, she said, our neighboor down the street came over and fixes our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes.

What did he ask for in payment? he wondered.

All he asked for was a chocolate cake or a kiss, she told him.

What did you do? he asked. She looked at him smugly and said: Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oswald!
Oswald who?
Oswald my chewing gum!

Susanita le pregunta a Teté:

¿Qué cosa tiene veinte patas, un cuerpo rojo con rayas verdes y grandes ojos azules en unas antenas?

Me rindo, contesta Teté. No sé qué es.

Pues yo tampoco, pero en este momento se te está subiendo por el cuello.

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, Whats the problem officer? Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks. (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt. Man: Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt. The man turns to his wife and yells, SHUT YOUR MOUTH! The Officer turns to the woman and asks, Maam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time? The wife says, No, only when hes drunk.

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.He doesnt have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category, and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
The cat is on Valium.
People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 – a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?