Old and New Jokes

A long time ago in a country far, far away…

Noah built his ark according to the instructions received, loaded it up with every animal under the sun, in pairs, and set off.

And it rained.

And it rained some more.

etc

etc

So, having sailed about for a couple of weeks, Noah has a problem. All these animals eat. And when they eat they prodeuce:

SHIT

Lots of shit.

More shit in one area than has ever been seen.

And every kind of shit.

Noah is in a quandry. So he gets all his sons together and tells them to collect all the shit they can and get it up on deck. Noah digs in too and they set about offloading a half a zillion tonnes of turd overboard.

And that would be the very unamusing end to our story if it were not for the actions of a chap we shall call Chris.

Who set sail, and in the year 1492 discovered it.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck huh?The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppys mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flash cube from puppys mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppys nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppys attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, No, outside!
No, outside!
Call someone to help clean up mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with large, strong drink and resolve to teach puppy
sit and stay the first thing in the morning.

Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC!

Woman chops off sleeping mans penis and drops from moving car! Dont laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!

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A street person approached a passerby. Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?

Thats ridiculous! the man said huffily. Coffee is no where near that expensive! Where the heck did you learn to beg?!

Just a yes or no, buddy, the beggar growled. I dont need a damn lecture about how to run my business.

Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of Silver Bells)

Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
its chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
soon it will be chemistry day.

Take your nitrate, in solution
Add your copper with style
In the beaker theres a feeling of reactions
silver forming, blue solution
Bringing oohs ahs and wows
now the data procesing begins.

Get the mass, change to moles
what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
were glad its Chemistry Day.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying Ehhhh .. 22!.

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. And can you tell us your height, please?.

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces Five foot two!.

This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying Mandy!.

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?

Ohh that!, replies the blonde, Thats just me running through Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

Pepito va a la tienda y le pregunta al despachador si tiene tomates, el despachador le contesta que sí y Pepito le dice dame tres limones.

Más tarde vuelve a la tienda y le pregunta al despachador si tiene naranjas, el despachador le dice que sí y Pepito le dice entonces dame tres mangos.

Esto pasaba todos los días, hasta que un día el papá de Pepito pasaba cerca de la tienda y el despachador corrió a buscarlo y le dijo: Usted es el papá de Pepito, verdad?

El señor contesta que sí, y el despachador le cuenta: Mire, su hijo viene todos los días, me pregunta si tengo tomates, le digo que sí, y me pide limones, me pregunta por naranjas, le digo que sí tengo y me pide mangos, y en eso se pasa toda la semana.

El papá del muchacho le contesta: ¡Ah, así es la cosa! ¡Déjelo que llegue a la casa que me voy a sacar el cinturón y le voy a meter tres patadas!

Your takeing a test for your job and the man said say your nameand he said abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z
I just rememeber my abc!!!

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a wife. (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE: No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. Thats why perfume and deoderant are so popular. (Jan, 9) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.
(Roger, 9) If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8) It isnt always just how you look. Look at me, Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, 7) Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them. (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when The Simpsons is on television. (Anita, 6) Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8) Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: One of you should know how to write a check. Because even