Old and New Jokes

I was sitting in the back of a taxi one day when I noticed the driver went straight threw a red light. I said to him, you just drove straight threw a red light! He replied, Ah its ok, my brother does it all the time. Not long after that, he drove threw another red light, and again he responded, its ok, my brother does it all the time. I was starting to get a bit worried, when he slammed his breaks on right in front of a green light. I yelled What did you stop for!? he turned around and replied; My brother might be comin the other way…

[From Alberts wife Wilma, who claims it is true:]

One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern
Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations
in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth
would be hurtful if not down right cruel.

As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby
–and, sadly, they do exist– the prospective minister is taught
to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted Why! Its a baby!

So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop,
making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is
also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says, Why, its
a baby! whereupon the young minister decks him.

Q: Whats the name of a good English horn player?
A: Ill tell you when I meet one.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company.



After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.



Perhaps I shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth, but… Hows your health?



Its OK, he answers. Im not getting any younger, but I dont have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.



Well, then, she replies I dont want to be a snoop, but Ive got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?



So-so. Im not rich, but Im comfortable. You dont have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.



The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain –

And hows your sex life….



Infrequently, he declares.



The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking…

And is that one word or two?

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Menckens Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Slash

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, this is a special day. Im celebrating.

Im celebrating, too, she said, clinking glasses with him.

What are you celebrating? he asked.

For years Ive been trying to have a child, she replied, Today my gynecologist told me Im pregnant!

Congratulations, the man said, lifting his glass. As it happens, Im a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today theyre finally fertile.

How did it happen?

I switched cocks.

Ill drink to that, she said, smiling.

Your Mama is so fat that when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her.

The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.

It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;

It leadeth me away from faith;

It destroys my soul;

It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors sake.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,

there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;

Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.

It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my worldliness.

It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism;

my coveting runneth over.

Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house,

just watching TV all the time.