A man walks into his doctor and says Doctor, doctor i have a bit of an embarrising problem.
The doctor replies, Okay, lets see it.
The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a lettuce leaf growing out his backside.
The man asks Do you think its serious?
The doctor replies, To tell you the truth it looks like just the tip of the iceberg.
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair. The blonde replied, I cant do without it, just cut around it.
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, I just cant cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off. The blonde replied, I just cant live without it, cut around it please. The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out………… Breathe in………. Breathe out…………
Era un pedo mal oliente
que se salió de repente
de las nalgas del un mortal
Era sólo la cagada
(una cosa tan mareada)
que a todos hacia mal
Al notar el caballero
que la mezcla andaba mal
apretándose el trasero
exclamaba muy formal:
!Pedo, pedo de olor a cagada
que en mi vientre tan goloso fabriqué
quién te mandó de mis nalgas huir!
Asà exclamo el caballero en aquel penoso dÃa
en que el pedo de tan fuerte que salió
los calzones le rompió.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marion!
Marion who?
Marion on a Sunday!
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
Remember: If you throw dirt, youre losing ground.
Today is Make up your own holiday day. So here goes:
Spring cat cleaning day. For best results use the Delicate cycle.
Grease your automatic garage door opener without getting grease in your hair day.
Salt and pepper integration day, a day to mix your salt and pepper in one shaker to encourage moderation in the use of both.
Antiacid appreciation day, sometimes called Burpless Thursday.
Shave off half your moustache day.
Spring sock hunting day, a day to turn the house upside-down to find all those missing odd socks.
Macaroni and cheese day. Try to give away free bites door-to-door.
Start a new hobby day. Go to every hardware store in town and see how many different free paint samples you can collect.
Kiss somebody the way they used to do it in the movies without slobbering day.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A Penguin in a revolving door.
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.