Old and New Jokes

Richard Branson, after naming his record company, film company and airline Virgin Records, Virgin Films, and Virgin Atlantic respectively breaks into the condom market. Finally he has a product that is in some way associated to the name of the company. So what does he do? Names them Mates condoms. What a wasted opportunity. Perhaps he thought people would only use them on virgins.

Jiffy Condoms

A competitor (at least in the UK) is Jiffy condoms. They ran a campaign a couple of years back with some amazing T-shirts with the following slogans: (There were more, but I cant remember them).

Got a stiffy?

Wear a Jiffy.

Me no daft, me no silly,

Me wear Jiffy on my Willy.

Real men come in a Jiffy.

If shes hot and needs some succour

Wear a Jiffy so you can fuck her.

Old Halloween gag

Heard about the two homosexual ghosts?

They put the willies up each other.

Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan? A: One dead person in ten trashcans!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain…!

You can name all the characters from the Dukes of Hazzard.

You recite lines from The Dukes of Hazzard.

You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin dog.

Youre an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a Coping With Darkness support group.

Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. Its the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)

** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find *No Trespassing* signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, Sir, Ive hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, Ill make you a deal. Weve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but weve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, Ill let you hunt on my property.



Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. That old bastard wont let us hunt on his property, he tells him. Im going to shoot his cow!



He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM! Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, I got the cat and dog too! Lets get the hell out of here!

Theres this cathedral thats still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a cage elevator inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these cage elevators is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be called to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!

How can you spot the Polish Jew at the Wailing Wall?

Hes the one with the harpoon.