Old and New Jokes

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworthss (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: What! This is shit! Banta calmly replies: Yes, and I want toilet paper

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?

A: Kick open the car door.

A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.

Lets forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.

So lets all get together, and let bitterness pass,
Ill hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?

The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, Tell you what – why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you.

So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!

Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!

Los pendejos según los signos del zodíaco

Aries: Sólo él es el pendejo, nadie más.

Tauro: Lento, pero pendejo.

Géminis: Pendejo por partida doble.

Cáncer: Se siente de cualquier pendejada.

Leo: Está orgulloso de ser El Gran Pendejo.

Virgo: Analiza por qué hace tantas pendejadas.

Libra: ¿Soy pendejo o pendeja? Sí o no… Pero ¿y sí? ¿No o sí?

Escorpión: Hace sus pendejadas bien pensadas y con saña.

Sagitario: Sus constantes pendejadas, apendejan a cualquiera.

Capricornio: Es pendejo sólo para incomodar a los demás.

Acuario: Los equinoccios lo traen todo pendejo.

Piscis: Es sensitivo y pendejo.

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex? asked the son.

Well son, answered the all knowing father. A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation.

The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose.

The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes.

The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar.

All in all son, its like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation.

Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it.

A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.

Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?

Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, shes out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, Im coming! God, Im coming!

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, Mama, I dont want to go out there. Its dark.

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You dont have to be afraid of the dark, she explained. Jesus is out there. Hell look after you and protect you.

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, Are you sure hes out there?

Yes, Im sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, Jesus? If youre out there, would you please hand me the broom?

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks, Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies, Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… Whats the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?

Neighbor says, You mean a rose?

Ed replies, Yeah, thats it!…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructors name?

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

Im fine, Angus said. But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.

Well, ma laddie, says his mother, I suggest you dont associate with people like that.

Oh, says Angus, I dont, Mam, I dont. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.