Old and New Jokes

In English, the linguistics professor instructed his class, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, he pointed out, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah. Right.

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.)

Mom continues: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddys room, you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Yo mama so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

¡Doctor, me siento mal, todo me da vueltas, además me arde el corazón!

Mire, señora… primero, no soy doctor, soy cantinero. Segundo, usted no está enferma, está borracha. Y tercero, no le arde el corazon, ¡tiene una teta en el cenicero!

Q: Why dont women have watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

A cat who can settle a dispute between 2 mice.

Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.

Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full – Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God….Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Its Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Havent Lost My Mind, Its Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then Youre Doing It Wrong…
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull