Old and New Jokes

Sphen and Olly are out fishing and they are catchin tons and tons of fish, so olly turns to sphen and says we should but a mark on this spot for another time because this is really good fishing. So sphen pulls out a magig marker and buts a huge X on the boat were he and olly were standing. So olly looks at this and goes Sphen you idiot what do we do if we take a different boat.

Q. Santa Claus, a smart blonde, and a brunette made a bet as to who would hit the ground first if they all jumped off a bridge at the same time. Who do you think hit first?

A. The brunette won because the other two people are fictional.

What were Adams first words to Eve?

You better stand back! I dont know how big this thing gets!

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesnt want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didnt marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy … – One is to let her think she is having her own way – The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother hes been


given a part in the school play. Wonderful! What part is it? replies his


mother.

The boy says, I play the part of the Jewish husband. The mother


scowls Thats terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking


part.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gordie!
Gordie who!
Gordie-rectly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. OK, Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, Im your man.



Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.



Noah! shouted the Lord, Where is My ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.



Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the arks construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.



My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.



Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldnt let me catch them, so no owls.



Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.



Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!



Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities Im supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I dont think I can finish the ark in less than five years.



With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the world? he asked hopefully.



No, said the Lord. The government already has.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nebraska!
Nebraska who?
Nebraska girl for a date she might say yes!

ABCs overnight news show, World News Now, has a recurring segment called
World News Then, where they air pieces of ABC News broadcasts as they
covered various important events of the past. Last April 1st,
they decided that instead of running a piece from a few decades ago, it
would be more interesting to go back a few millennia. One of the stories
they rebroadcast was the following report from 2400 BC:

Egypts emerging papyrus technology continues to alarm parents and law
enforcement. A new bill introduced today would let the government
regulate material found on papyrus. Legislators said paperspace, as it
is known to so-called writers, is becoming a haven for monotheists,
con artists and worse hoping to prey on the young and gullible. A little
bit later in this broadcast we will have some tips on how to shield your
children from offensive and dangerous material found on the dangerous
papyrus.

A
guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect
breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let
me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps
walking away. He turns around, runs around the block
and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000
dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; Im not that kind of woman! Got
it?" So the guy runs around the next block and
faces her again. "Would you let me bite your
breasts

just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm,
$10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here.
Lets go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts
caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting
them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well?
Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much……………"