Old and New Jokes

I picked up Jose Canseco’s new book about steroids and it’s amazing.

When I bought it, it was 175 pages. I put it on the table overnight, and the next morning it’s up to 225. It’s amazing.

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM offices.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available at FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available to FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Passover.


Left the door open


For the Prophet


Elijah.


Now our cat is gone.

So the brunettes sit on the bottom section and the blonds sit on the top. The brunettes are laughing and having a good time as theyre riding the bus, and one brunette says wow the blonds are really quiet I better go check on them. So she goes up to the top and the blonds are stairing silently forward, holding the rails with white knuckles. The brunette asks whats wrong, were all fine downstairs, and one blond looks up and says well thats because you have a driver.

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. How did you get here, by train?

No, I flew

What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?

Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and what landed outside the circle God kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat! I throw the money into the air and what God wants, God takes.

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, theres a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist cant help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

Why? So he can make a new hole!

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.



The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. Whatll it be? the bartender says.



The duck says, I think Ill have the grapes. Well, Im sorry sir, but this is a bar, we dont serve grapes here. Now, Ill let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.



The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. Ok, you got your order? The duck nods, saying, Ill think Ill have the grapes.



The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, Look Mac, we dont have any grapes here. This is a bar. We dont serve grapes, so what will you have?!



The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, Ill have the grapes.



The bartender, enraged, shouts, If you ask for the grapes one more time Im going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!



The bartender cools off a bit. Now what will you get?! Got any nails? OF COURSE WE DONT HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?



Good, got any grapes?

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.



I think librarians are the easiest said the second surgeon. When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.



The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded.



The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have



was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse



with those people.



— J. Danforth Quayle







If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure. — J. Danforth



Quayle







Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and



child.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. —



Vice President Dan Quayle







Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same



distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures



where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that



means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89







What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is



being very wasteful. How true that is.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean



in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I



didnt live in this century.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88







I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and



democracy – but that could change.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89







One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,



and that one word is to be prepared.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89







May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.



— The Quayles 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,



though.]







Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. — Vice President



Dan Quayle, 11/30/88







We dont want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements



in the Future.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The future will be better tomorrow. — Vice President Dan Quayle







Were going to have the best-educated American people in the world.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88







People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions



and have a tremendous impact on history.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89







We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a



firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







Public speaking is very easy.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88







I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. — Vice President



Dan Quayle







I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the



polls.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots



and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is



to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for



the killings? The killers are to blame.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having



it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)







Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still



has a job next year.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92







We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. —



Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90







For NASA, space is still a high priority. — Vice President Dan



Quayle, 9/5/90







Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our



children.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90







The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan



Quayle may or may not make.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on



the mistakes we may or may not have made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the



impurities in our air and water that are doing it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system. — Vice



President Dan Quayle