Who do you keep a nigger from drowning?take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?

A: A brain tumor.

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

Two weeks ago, I said, was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasnt feeling too
hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my
wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for
me. She didnt even say Good Morning let alone say Happy Birthday.

I said to myself Well thats wives for you. The children will remember.
But the children came into breakfast and didnt say a word. And when I started
to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said Good Morning, Boss–Happy Birthday
and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know
its such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so lets go to
lunch, just you and I. I said, By George, that is the greatest thing I have
heard all day. Lets go.

We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go, we went out into the
country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, You know, its such a beautiful day
we dont need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not.

She said, Lets go by my apartment, and Ill fix you another Martini.

We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette
and she said, Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable and I allowed her as I didnt mind at
all.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom
carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were
singing Happy Birthday and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

Pres says: You think were stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!

What did one casket say to the other ?

Was that you coffin?

Shadows in 96 – Lets just get it over with.

Zathras in 96 – Other parties not very good with numbers, either.

Shadows in 96 – Just tell us what you want.

Sinclair in 96 – Hes the One for the job.

Lennier in 96 – Hell serve you faithfully as long as hes alive.

Delenn in 96 – Its time for a =real= change.

Londo in 96 – Hes stunning in purple!

You will know fear. Then you will know pain.

Then you will vote … for GKar in 96.

Sheridan in 96 – He has always been here.

Ivanova in 96 – You will NOT ignore Ivanovas recommendations!

Garibaldi in 96 – Because you cant trust anyone else.

Kosh in 96 – Yes.

Sheridan / Kosh in 96 – Stay close to the Vorlon.

Morden in 96 – You know its what you want.

Kosh in 96 – You are ready now.

Bester in 96:

Winters in 96 – She will move you.

Green Drazi in 96 – Green Drazi win. You win. Everybody win.

Kosh 96 – The avalanche has already started!

Ivanova in 96 – Because God is on her side …

Londo in 96 – His shoes arent so tight anymore …

Bester in 96 – He is our mother and our father …

Takashima in 96 – Shell send you a fruit basket …

Vir in 96 – Nothing bothers him anymore …

Ironheart in 96 – He has Become …

NaToth in 96 – Someones got to watch our backs.

13 in 96 – Were all hers now …

Talia Winters in 96 – The gloves are off!

Kosh in 96 – And so it begins.

Clarke in 96 – Its out of our hands now.

Delenn in 96 – Shes the stuff that stars are made of.

Londo in 96 – Not too great a price for immortality.

Talia Winters in 96 – She is The Future.

GKar in 96 – We must answer the challenges laid before us.

Sheridan in 96 – Its just not fair, is it … ?

Pakmara in 96 – Theyll eat their losses!

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. Ill be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks: Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says: Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says, Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box!

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving

service.


A ragged man in the audience asked, What is there to be

thankful for?


Surprised, the minister replied, What is your name,sir?

Cause, was the reply.


Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body…

Im blind and I have lung cancer


…or your family…


I dont have a family


…or your home…


I dont have a home.


Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks This guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: Shay mister, taste this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

It tastes like piss, he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: It is. How old am I?