Old and New Jokes

(taken from http://www.yahoo.com/headlines/970126/news/stories/china_1.html

>Sunday January 26 6:52 AM EST
>
>China Gives Reporters New Reporting Rules
>
>BEIJING (Reuter) – China tightened its grip on the media on Sunday with
>directives on how to write news, ordering journalists not to advocate
>sex, violence and superstition and to fill their reports with
>patriotism and socialism.

Heres an example of how this works:

In the news, there were no crimes of sex, violence and superstition in
China today. At approximately 9:19 PM last night, however, Beijing
residents reported hearing screams of patriotism and socialism coming
from Tienamien square as army tanks rumbled through to quell a domestic
game of Mah Jhong, the national game and a favorite past time of many
happy patriotic, socialist residents.

What is a vampires favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving…

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and sir do you have a extra $

20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $

1000.

00. I have $

980.00 and just need the last $

20.00

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied No sir… I have money for gambling.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Im out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!

BAD COP! – NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was furious!



She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. She was incredibly ticked now.



The next day the same parrot again said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didnt do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.



When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, Hey lady. She paused and said, Yes? And the bird replied, You know.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. Listen up, men, says the Sergeant. Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldnt you be a bit more tactful, next time?

Yes, sir, answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGraths mother died. Youd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!

What was the working title for Mel Gibsons movie The Patriot?

Braveheart II: Men in Pants