Old and New Jokes

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.The first one tells her friends, My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.The second Catholic woman chirps, Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace.The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say Your Eminence.The fourth replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6 2 hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, … My God ….

I was swimming at a local pool yesterday, and I over heard two women
talking about animals. One of the women said she had heard that male
dolphins sometimes rape female dolphins. I thought to myself the
tragic part is most of those rapes go unreported.

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. Hmmm says the bear to the squirrel, Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

Yes it does replies the squirrel.

Great! says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

More headroom

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wayne!
Wayne who?
Wayne are you coming over to my house!

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if youve got a good arm.

One of the nations largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, Clinton Soup, that will honor one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!



Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.



When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: I dont know, I never had one.



If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?

Bill Clinton replied, No, some begin with After Im elected.



Clintons mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.



American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as Walking Eagle because he is so full of crap he cant fly.



Clinton only lacks three things to become one of Americas finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.



Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.



Revised judicial oath: I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.



Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toast!
Toast who?
Toast where the days!

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

How do *you* know, Sister?

My Mother Superior told me so

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

Dont be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself

Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman … and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

Oh no! Its not that drunken Nun again is it?