Old and New Jokes

A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her drivers license and offered to take her moms car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, What grade, miss?



Eleventh! she replied.



(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter."So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?""None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?""Only twice, I think," says the second guy."Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?""12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercdes crying. "Whats wrong?""I just saw my wife.""So?""She was riding a skateboard."

Their was this monkey in a tree smoking pot this lizard came by and said monkey what are you doing the monkey replied hey man im smoking a doobie so the lizard ask for a hit and he did after he was really thirsty so he went to the river to get a drink and fell head first in the river a crocadile saw him and swam over to the lizard the lizard told him about the monkey in the tree so the croc goes over to the monkey and says hey monkey what are you doing up their and the monkey replies DAMN how much water did you drink?

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Seas lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if youre from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what its jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cookings gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didnt have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why wont melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?

A: They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who cant help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, This is a clear case of Carp in tunnel syndrome.

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of car pool tunnel syndrome.

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite Ruff

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?

A: Dis-gruntled.

I heard this from a friend at Duke University:

Six year-old boy to his father: Daddy, can I have a train set?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Five years pass.
Eleven year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a ten speed bike?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Another five years passes.
Sixteen year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a car?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy: Yes, it does.
Father: Good. Then go fuck yourself.

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.Well, I was thrown from the ship during galeforce winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off.The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the end of your right arm?I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard.Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting story about the patch on your eye?One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye.The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days.

Q: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

A: The taste.