We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

YOUR MOM IS SO POOR YOU WALKED INTO HER HOUE AND STEPED ON A SKATEBOARD AND SHE SAID GET OFF OF MY TRANSPORTAION

An Italian, Jew, and a Polack are steel workers who always eat lunch together on the 30th floor on their curent job.

The italian opens up his sandwich and its salami and says After today if I get another salami sandwich I am jumping off this beam.

The jew opens up his sandwich and its corned beef and says After today if I get another corned beef sandwich I am jumping off this beam.

The polack opens up his sandwich and its kielbasi and says After today if I get another kielbasi sandwich I am jumping off this beam.

The next day they meet for lunch.

The italian opens up his sandwich and it cappicola and says Wow, I am very happy!

The jew opens up his sandwich and it pastrami and says Wow, I am very happy!

The polack opens up his sandwich and its kielbasi again and says Thats it I have had it! and jumps off the beam and splatters all over the sidewalk.

The jew turns to the italian and says I dont get it… He makes his own lunch!

Windows Problem

Im wondering if anybody can help me with a problem Im having on my
computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.1416,
and Ive noticed that when I running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I
upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version
4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but
then if I try to type a subordinating conjunction followed by any form of
the verb foment, the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive
makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data
in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including
reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help!

Reply To: Windows Problem

I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I
found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on Command
Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then
on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate
Paradigms, then on the little icon that says Do Not Ever Click On This
Little Icon, then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type
in 2038, you will still have the same problem. This is why I started
using heroin.

An Italian bus driver and a priest were sitting in the waiting room at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted into Heaven.

After a while, St Peter came and called in the bus driver.

Immediately the priest jumped up and ran over to St Peter, saying, Surely it cant be right that hes going in before me?

Well, said St Peter, wasnt it the case that when you preached in the church, people mostly sat and slept? But when the bus driver drove on those roads in Rome, all the passengers sat up and shouted, Oh God! Oh God!

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a

747.

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it
had run a stop sign. May I see your drivers license and registration please?

Whats the problem, officer?

Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.

Oh, come on pal, there wasnt a car within miles of me.

Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution.

You gotta be kidding me!

Its no joke, sir.

Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution.

Thats beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and
you didnt. Now if I may see your license and…

Youve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! Whats the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?

Sir, Ill overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately!

I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a
complete stop.

The police officer had enough, Sir, I can do better than that. He opened the
car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat
him over the head with his nightstick.

Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Youre so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.