Old and New Jokes

Log off – Dont add a log to your wood stove

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isnt IBM running this Christmas..?

A computers attention span is as long as its power cord.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…

Broiled Missionary: $25.00

Fried Explorer: $35.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , Why such a price difference for the politician?

The cook replied Have you ever tried to clean one of them?

BANNED CHILDRENS BOOKS

Dads New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes the Hamster…and Other Great Microwave Games How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets Egghead – and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty The Complete Set Of Mother Got Goosed Nursery Rhymes Peter Rabbits Frisky Adventures The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Moms Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Lets Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear When is Later? The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep How Far is Not Far? Three Men in a Tub – The Untold Story The Boy Who Cried Fire! Things Rat Poison Looks Like Why Uncle Bud Falls Down Two Fingers in the Dike Back To School! A Munitions Primer Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice Things That Are Really Sharp How Dopey Got His Name Spinach or Steroids – A Guide to Scholarships

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

What would you like to do next? he asked. I wanna be weighed, she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

I wanna be weighed, she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?

Wousy, said the girl.

SCORPIO

Scorpio condoms outsell all others. Thats probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that theyre a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesnt scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesnt get caught.

Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

SAGITTARIAN

Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.

Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupids arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

CAPRICORN

Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.

With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When youre horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

AQUARIAN

Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.

With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what. Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

PISCES

Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.

Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and youre on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

AIRES

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a get up and go attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.

Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

TAURUS

Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and theyre frequently on sale.

Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once theyve made a decision, theyre almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when youre really horny.

GEMINI

Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, theyre available through mail order.

Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you dont have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

CANCER

Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.

Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring Breast Worship Rituals. Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When youre not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.

LEO

Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.

Leo is symbolized by the lion. When youre ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, youre ready for a Leo condom.

VIRGO

Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.

Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When youre ready for some ritualized defloration activities, youre ready for a Virgo condom.

LIBRA

Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand- painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.

Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he
had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was
being passed he said, Brothers and Sisters, I dont like to have to do this,
but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another
parishioners wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the
collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O
five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read Forever hold
your peace, Ill have that other three dollars before sundown.

When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke
You say, Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself? But then it does
Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt
Can turn lead into gold, but he cant remember to take out the trash – am I right, parents?
He wears shiny red satin robes – and youre just praying hes a wizard
Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz
Refers to Halloween as amateur night
Hes only 12, but somehow hes dating Gwyneth Paltrow
His homework ate the dog
You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her drivers test?

A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.