A man was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a bottle. Out popped a
Genie!

Then Genie says, I will grant you one wish.

After a minute of pondering the guy says, I would like you to make me a bridge
from here to Hawaii because I hate to fly and I dont like boats.

The Genie says, My God, you know how long it will take for me to grant that
wish? How many people it will take to build it? Make any other wish in the world
except that one.

The guy thinks, then says, I would really like to understand how a womans mind
works.

The Genie replies, Would that be two lanes or four?

Im hungry = Im hugnry
 

 
Im sleepy = Im sleepy
 

 
Im tired = Im tired
 

 
Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Nice Dress! = Nice Body!
 

 
You look tense; let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
 

 
Whats wrong? = dont see why you are making such a big deal of this.
 

 
Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted trauma are you going through now?
 

 
Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
 

 
Im bored = Do you want to have sex?
 

 
I love you = Lets have sex now
 

 
I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . wed better have sex now!
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Fifty bucks and it doesnt even look different!
 

 
Lets talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.
 

 
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
 

 
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then shes yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. – Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a womans hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Thats right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-laws enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and youll definitely find someone. (Its all relative, of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, I have seen a … woman; now get her for me. If your parents question your decision, simply say, Get her for me. Shes the one for me. – Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (Its not just a good idea; its the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Dont be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife? … NOT! – Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldnt hurt much. Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, This might hurt a little more than I
thought.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Its as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

If you dont like the news, go out and make some.

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

I may be fat, but youre ugly – I can lose weight!

No Radio – Already Stolen

Few women admit their age, Few men act it!

I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, Reebok. She thinks thats a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees Puma tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word AIDS tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..

Im not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!

He says, Its cool baby, in a minute its going to say ADIDAS.

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, Sweetheart, lets do the same thing we did here forty years ago.
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago – or any time since that I can remember!
The woman says, Forty years ago that fence wasnt electrified!