En un pueblo habÃan atropellado a un burro. El atropellamiento fue tal que quedó el burro totalmente destrozado… una pata por allá, otra por acá, la cabeza más allá… pero lo más NOTORIO del burro (ya se imaginan qué) quedó justo en medio de la banqueta.
En ese momento venÃan dos monjas caminado por la banqueta cuando una de ellas tropieza con aquella tremenda cosa, y exclama muy asustada:
¡Ay Dios…! ¡Mataron al Padre Juan!
The annoying drumsThis guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks Wow, this is cool. He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy cant sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, Hey! Whats with these drums. Dont they ever stop? I cant get any sleep.
The manager says, No! Drums must never stop. Its very bad if drums stop.
Why?
When drums stop…bass solo begins.
41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.
42. It was never this bad when you get sick.
43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression…its not!
46. Youll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
A guy rings neighbors doorbell & a lovely blonde woman answers the door.
Is Ed here? he asks.
Yes, but hes in the shower, she says.
I really need to see him but I am in quite a rush, and I can only wait a couple of minutes, he says. As he waits, he continues, being your neighbor, it might be wrong of me to say so, but my dear… you have the loveliest rack. Ive got $100 if youll show me.
Oh Mike, that is so wrong. On the other hand, we sure could use the money, she says as she pulls up her top.
Wow! That was worth every cent, but beyond that you also have the cutest ass Ive ever seen. Ill give you another $100 to show me the rest of your stuff.
Oh Mike, thats awful but Eds in the shower so he wont know and another $100 really would help around here, she says, dropping her shorts.
Well I gotta go. Tell Ed I stopped by, OK? Mike leaves, and a few minutes later Ed gets out of the shower and asks, Who was at the door?
Just Mike, she says.
Mike, huh? Did he have the 200 bucks he owes me?
A Bengali, Marwari and Gujrati get into a carwreck. Upon arrival at the heaven Gates, Chitragupt informs them that it is not their time, they were not supposed to die yet.
He offers them a deal, You give me 20 Rs, and Ill let you go back down and live the rest of your lives out.
The Bengali says, Fair enough, and hands Chitragupt twenty. Back on earth at the accident scene, he sits bolt upright, shocking the paramedics that had just pronounced him dead. They all gather around to ask him what happened.
Well, it wasnt my time, so I paid 20 bucks and he let me come back from the dead. Noticing the other victims remained lifeless, the paramedics ask why they didnt also take chitragupt up on his offer.
The Bengali rolls his eyes and says, Oh, the Marwari is trying to talk him down to Rs 12.50, and the Gujju is waiting for the Government to pay for it.
Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?
Because she uses the other to moan.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, Thou shalt cross the road! And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a
real person or not. Her answer was always, Well, you asked for the
presents, and they came, didnt they? I finally understood the full meaning
of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: A software or
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable
from the real device.
Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by
loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF…THEN…ELSE structure, If its snowing, then
put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes.
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing,
Well wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
well wash these socks out right now by hand because youll need them this
afternoon.
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid
out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to
find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave
us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing
the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one
sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the
principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being
able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was
then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on
the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn
it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced
when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert
on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that
things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldnt be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid whos ever misbehaved at a neighbors house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. Thats a local
area network of distributed processors that cant be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues
in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues
and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of
his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same
book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.
By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.
He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon
being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with
Fidel.
The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.
Why not? said the indignant Scotsman.
Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar. the
clerk replied.
Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up
his kilt and proudly announced, SECRET SERVICE!!!