Old and New Jokes

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.

The mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?

There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, I heard on TV that wine is good for the health. The other one said, Well, lets go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine.

So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.

A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.

Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.

The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, Drained wops keep falling on my head…

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame



To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim



Ahead of my legions



I invaded her regions



I saw, I conquered, I came!

Gerrolds Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

KEEPING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

by Arthur Hugh Clough (1819-1861)

Thou shalt have one God only, who

Would be at the expense of two?

No graven images may be

Worshipped, except the currency:

Swear not at all, for thy curse

Thine enemy is none the worse:

At church on Sunday to attend

Will serve to keep the world thy frield:

Honour thy parents; that is, all

From whom advancement may befall:

Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive

Officiously to keep alive.

Do not adultery commit

Advantage rarely comes of it.

Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,

When its so lucrative to cheat.

Bear not false witness; let the lie

Have time on its own wings to fly:

Thou shalt not covet: but tradition

Approves all forms of competition.

The sum of all is, thou shalt love,

If any body, God above:

At any rate shall never labour

More than thyself to love thy neighbour.

You might be a redneck if you mow your grass and find three cars.

You might be a redneck if you think the first four words of the national anthem are, Gentlemen start your engines.

An angel wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, its his fault; if he betrays you twice, its your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird its food, But He does not throw it into its nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You cant live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
30.War Dims Hope for Peace
31.If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.Deer Kill 17,000
36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.Deaf College O

What things can you never eat at breakfast?
Answer: Lunch and supper.

Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
Answer: To hold his pants up.

Whats the main qualification for having a military funeral?
Answer: You must be dead.

Why does a chicken cross the street?
Answer: To reach the other side.

If a plane flying over the border of France and Italy crashes, where do you bury the survivors?
Answer: One does not bury survivors.

How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ears? He answered the stapler (hello? *OUCH*)