Old and New Jokes

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

I think Im the smartest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

I think–

POOF!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, Why the long face?

Q: How many Western Carolina University students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None – Cullowhee doesnt have electricity.

You momma is so fat, she needs a sheep for a tampon!

WHY DID THE PIGGY POOPED.
IT REALLY DIDNT POOPED ITS JUST MUD.

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented. How many nerve endings will I put in her hands? asked St. Peter. How many did we put in Adam? asked The Lord. Two hundred, O Mighty One. Then we shall do the same for the woman, The Lord replied. How many nerve endings should we put in her genitals, O Mightiest? How many did we put in Adam? Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One. Oh yeah, now I remember. We wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didnt we? Do the same for woman. Yes, O Great Lord. Wait! Hold it, Pete, give her ten thousand, itll be a hoot to hear her scream out my name…

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says Hold on a second here – you cant bring that animal in here, they arent allowed! So the man says, But my gator here does a really cool trick…

The bartender says Well then, lets see! So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, Does anyone else want to try? An old lady raises her hand and says…Sure, but dont hit me with that stick.

Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Hes finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features hed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. – A Dont remind me again button – Minimize button – An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. – An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks – all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off, he replies.

You dirty bastard! shouts the barmaid, Get out before I get my husband.

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off, he replies.

What??? screams the barmaid, Thats it! Youre barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

Right. Ill give you one last chance, says the barmaid. Now, what do you want?

I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

Whats up, love? says the husband.

Theres this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off, she says in a flood of tears.

What? Hes a dead man, shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off, screams the wife.

Right, hes going to need a body bag, the bastard, shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me, she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

Arent you going to do something? shouts the wife in hysterics.

Listen love, Im not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…