What do you call a dog with no legs?
Dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
17
Jul
17
Jul
Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results Im happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples. Girl: Wow! Thats great! Why? Dermatologist: Theres no more space.
16
Jul
Why do white people go to yard sales in the ghetto?
To get there shit back!
16
Jul
En los Estados Unidos daba inicio una convención de Ingenieros Civiles que harÃa giras a través de varias ciudades de los Estados Unidos y Latinoamérica.
La sede de la primera conferencia fue la ciudad de Nueva York (antes que se bajaran las torres). Al momento de la inscripción, los asistentes al evento eran asignados a una pareja para asà poder intercambiar experiencias, vivencias y demás. A un nicaragüense le tocó por pareja un estadounidense.
Durante la gira de campo realizada, visitaron las Torres Gemelas del WTC. El gringo pregunta al nica:
You, nica. ¿Tú saber cuánto tiempou tardar ingenierous americanous en counstruir tourres gemelas?
¡Mierda! piensa el nica- me jodió este gringo hijo de puta. No sé responde apesadumbrado.
¡Nica, brutou! Ustedes nou saber nada… Ingenierous americanous tardar dous semanas en levantar tourres gemelas.
En otra ocasión, en San Francisco, estaban junto al Golden Gate. Pregunta el gringo:
Nica: ¿tú pouder decirme cuántou tardar ingenierous americanous en counstruir golden gate?
¡¡¡Me lleva la gran puta con este yanki mierdoso!!! piensa nuevamente el nica. Pues para serte sincero, no sé… responde al fin.
Nicas ignourantes… Golden gate counstruirse en 10 dÃas… (hi hi)
Y eso era el pan de cada dÃa para el ingeniero nicaragüense en cada ciudad norteamericana que visitaban…
Empero, llegó la hora de visitar las ciudades latinoamericanas… Llegó la hora de la venganza del nica…
Al llegar a Managua, capital de Nicaragua, los únicos edificios de interés para la comunidad de ingenieros que participaban en la convención eran: el edificio del Hotal Intercontinental Managua y el edificio del Antiguo Banco de América. Al visitar el primero, el nica pregunta al yankee:
Vos, chele ¿Sabés cuánto tardaron los ingenieros nicas en construir esta hermosa pirámide?
El gringo desconcertado no sabe qué responder, a lo que aduce:
MÃ nou counoucer muchou la cultura de ustedes latinous… No saber, Im sorry…
Gringo baboso… Este edificio se construyó en tres dÃas…
Fuck!!! pensó en ese momento el gringo.
Luego visitaron el edificio del Banco de América. En ese momento estaba un albañil poniendo un parche en el último piso del edificio donde habÃa una grieta que habÃa causado muchos años antes el terremoto de Managua del 72. Al frente del edificio estaba otro albañil haciendo una mezcla de cemento para que su compañero tuviera suficiente material para tapar la grieta.
Al momento de la llegada de los ingenieros, el que está haciendo las labores en el último piso resbala del andamio y empieza a caer a una velocidad de vértigo.
El gringo ve los acontecimientos y, con el corazón en la boca, grita:
Holly shit!! ¡¡Se ha caÃdou ese houmbre!! ¡¡Se ha caÃdou!!
Y el nica se le acerca, y casi susurrándole al oÃdo le dice:
No seás pendejo. ¿No ves que viene por más cemento?
16
Jul
How do you circumsize a whale?
you send down four-skin divers.
16
Jul
by Robert Chen
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.
2. Dont go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?
5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.
7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone elses, regardless of whether theyre finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.
8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybodys limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then involuntarily drool.
9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.
10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall–to every person in the dining hall.
16
Jul
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as tenth of troy once per barn for pressures, or acre times atmosphere per kilogram for speeds.
16
Jul
To die penniless… is either perfect timing, or a hell of a budget!
16
Jul
Im not as think as you drunk I am
16
Jul
The Real Skywalker Lineage(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Lukes hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes theres nowhere to go but straight down….)
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No, Luke… I am your father!
Luke: No! Its not true! Its impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true.
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio? Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him — when I was only seven years old.
Luke: No!
Darth Vade : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldnt even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.
Luke: I destroyed the Death Star!
Darth Vader When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, its not my fault…
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddys the Dark Lord of the Sith…waahhh wahhh!”
Luke: Shut up.
Darth Vader: Youre a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggars Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor…! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer — right here, baby!
(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)
Darth Vader : I was wrong. Youre not my kid. I dont know whose you are, but you sure aint mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.)
Darth Vader : Get a haircut!