Old and New Jokes

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. Reverend, she said, I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What
should I do?

I have an idea, said the minister. Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg.

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

Jesus! Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones, said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. Who is
your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones.

God! Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

Right again, said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, And what did Eve
say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and Ill break it in half and shove it up
your ass!

Amen, replied the congregation.

You Know Youre Getting Older When…

Everything hurts and what doesnt hurt, doesnt work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after, and you havent been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

Youre still chasing women but cant remember why.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 Years Ago Today…

You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and cant get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt wont.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Youre startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

You just cant stand people who are intolerant.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

I Still Miss My Ex..But My Aim Is Getting Better!

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

Q: Whats the definition of a really macho woman?
A: She jump starts her vibrator.

Q: Whats the definition of a really macho man?
A: He puts on a condom with a tire iron.

Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.

Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of
her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her.

Unruffled she took a look and said, This you call a lining?

Q: What is every blondes ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: Im sooo drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!

Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Q: Why cant blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I dont know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: good for up to 20 pounds.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.