Dos locos son sometidos a unas pruebas para comprobar si ya están en condiciones de salir del manicomio.
A ver, Eustasio, ¿seis por seis?
Febrero.
¡De puta madre, anda, vuelve al manicomio! A ver, Herminio, ¿seis por seis?
Mil.
¡Otro igual, anda vuélvete! A ver, Jerónimo, ¿seis por seis?
Treinta y seis.
¡Hostia! ¿Cómo llegaste a esa conclusión?
Muy fácil, he multiplicado febrero por mil.
Alcoholics Alias is a group in which you continue to drink, but under
an assumed name.
Signs youve had too much of the 90s!
You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as getting wasted. You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back Whats for dinner?
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you havent spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didnt give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And finally… You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
Skirts are better ventillated, making you more comfortable, and possibly less prone to infertility and impotence.
No more caught zippers (or things caught painfully in zippers).
You have a better choice of colours, styles, and fabrics with skirts,
So much more convenient for making love in the open air
No more trousers getting caught in your bicycle chain; throw those trouser clips away!
No more white legs when you strip off to swim
You too can learn to double cross your legs like your wife or girlfriend; Give your boss something else to think about while he lectures you about your poor results.
Erections can be more easily disguised under the folds, and more easily acted upon when the moment is right.
Youre a new man feminist? Great! then youll WANT to identify with your female friends/partner(s); learn to share skirts with them; go on buying expeditions together; no need to stop at the door of the underwear department either!
Beat that prejudice at work where men in suits only listen to other men in suits; now men and women in skirts will listen to other men and women in skirts.
Men! Dont be a prisoner of modern macho!
Do what men did for thousands of years before trousers were invented – go out and wear a skirt today!
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they aint so bright after all.
Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Did he kill you?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whos death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, Im stupid. That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign.Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign.A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the doce, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, yall catch all them fish? Nope – Talked em into giving up. Heres your sign.I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a gut inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump intot his pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it.Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat? I couldnt resist. I said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Heres your sign.We were trying to sell our car about a years ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn thats hot! See? If hed been wearing a sign, I could have stopped him.I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. the truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for he
A long time ago, way back then…we used to spell Canada, Cnd.
Why? you ask. Well its really simple…
Its because we forgot the eh?
Culled from elementary school essays on U.S. politics
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you dont like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Political strategy is when you dont let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
Valuation: Just Because Its Not Important to You . . .
Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
Two boys show up at the local drugstore.
One is 12 years old and the other is 6. The older boy orders some Tampax for his little brother.
You must be a little mixed up, the clerk says, dont you want it for your mother?
The kid keeps insisting he wants it for his brother and says, I saw on TV if you wear Tampax you can ride a bicycle and go swimming…he cant do any of those things now.