Old and New Jokes

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures hell have a little fun…

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: shows extreme look of shock

Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? pointing at Indian.

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How does he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, hows it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: Is this your owner? pointing at Indian.

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: Hows he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!

One morning a son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, Son, where are you going?. The son replied, Im going to catch me some chickens.



The father said, Son, you cant catch chickens with chicken wire. But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand.



The father thought, I guess he knows what hes doing.



The next morning the son got up with some duck tape.



The father said, Son, where you going?.



The son replied, Im going to catch some ducks.



The father yelled, YOU CANT CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCK TAPE.



The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.



The father thought, Damn, I guess he does know what hes doing!



The next morning the son got up with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, hold up son, let me put on my shoes.!!

Bradleys Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee; that will do them in.

A little boy asked his mum if he could go in the bath with her and she said sure as long as you dont look under the bubbles so he looked under the bubbles and said mum whats that and his mum said its a forest.

A week later he asked his dad if he could go in the bath with him and his dad said sure as long as you dont look under the bubbles so he looked under the bubbles and said dad whats that and his dad said its a snake.

A week later the boy asked his nan if he could go in the bath with her she said sure as long as you dont look over the bubbles so he looked over the bubbles and said nan whats that and his nan said there my light bulbs.

That very evening he had a nightmare so he went to his mums bedroom and said mum ive had a nightmare can i sleep in your bed and she said course as long as you dont look under the covers and he looked under the covers and shouted NAN TURN YOUR LIGHT BULBS ON THE SNAKES GOING IN THE FOREST

The kid ran out of the burlesque show.

The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.

The kid said, My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad Id turn to stone…. and I can feel it starting!

KABINDA, ZAIRE–In a move IBM office are hailing as a major step in the
companys ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, Mwana Ndeti,
a member of Zaires Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem
yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. I could not
crush the nut by myself, said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory
nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. With IBMs help, I was
able to break it.
Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was
shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in
shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the
modem, which he believed would serve well as a smashing utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to
provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. Our
telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking
solutions that fit their specific needs, said Herbert Ross, IBMs
director of marketing. Whether youre a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey
or an Aborigine in Australias Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get
you where you want to go today.
According to Ndeti, of the modems many powerful features, most impressive
was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of
vigorous pounding against a large stone. I put the nut on a rock, and I hit
it with the modem, he said. The modem did not break. It is a good modem.
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601
microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet
networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the
computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor
out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
This is a good computer, said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle
with the computers flat, sharp internal processing device. I am using
every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard. Hours later,
Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computers
200-page owners manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndetis choice of computers. We are pleased
that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs, said
company CEO William Allaire. From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing
the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a
global village.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and that person couldnt return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

One million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, Ill give you $1 million, Ill keep $1 million, and well send the engineer.

A TEEN GIRL ASKS HER DAD FOR $100.00 FOR A PROM DRESS.DAD SAYS YOULL HAVE TO GIVE ME A BLOWJOB. SHE SAYS YOUR MY DAD I CANT DO THAT. HE REPLIES NO BLOWJOB NO MONEY. SO SHE GOES DOWN, GRABS IT AND SAYS YUK IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT. THATS RIGHT HE SAYS YOUR BROTHER WANTED TO BORROW THE CAR.

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?

Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. — Mike Adams

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Remember, if youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate!

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.

How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. Thats what organic chemists are for!

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. –quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T — D.L. Bunker

Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.