Old and New Jokes

So this isnt Home Sweet Home … Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesnt live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please dont date it!

I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you dont like my standards of cooking …lower your
standards.

Although youll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesnt always look like this: Some days its even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen … just vending
machines.

Id live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?

A pussy hare.

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position.

Sorry, said the President, but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.

Todos los niños habían salido en la fotografía y la maestra estaba tratando de persuadirlos a cada uno de comprar una copia de la fotografía del grupo.

Imagínense qué bonito será cuando ya sean grandes todos y digan Allí está Catalina, es abogada, o también Ese es Miguel. Ahora es doctor.

Sonó una vocecita desde atrás del salón:

Y allí está la maestra. Ya se murió.

Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

A brain walks into a bar and says, Ill have a pint of beer please.

The barman looks at him and says Sorry, I cant serve you.

Why not? askes the brain.

Youre already out of your head.

Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now
in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G. S. T.

A guy goes into a bar and starts to hit on a girl. Things go very well for the both of them and they eventually end up at his place. After a passionate night of playing kissy face and pressy body, they fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy wakes and looks at the girl and says, By the way, I didnt ask you if you ever had AIDS.

The girl promptly denies this.

The guy then says, Thats a relief. Id hate to catch that again!