Knock Knock
Whos there?
Joan!
Joan who!
Joan you remember me?
!
25
Jun
25
Jun
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wade!
Wade who?
Wade till next time!
25
Jun
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
25
Jun
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!
25
Jun
Why cant a ghost have sex??
Because he has a hollow weenie!
25
Jun
Q : What would happen if the earth spun 30 times faster than it does now?
A : Every day would be payday and all the women in the world would bleed to death!!!
24
Jun
Tres changitos se encontraban muy aburridos arriba de una palma de coco y entonces uno de ellos dice: ¡Ya se, vamos a tirarles cocos a los animales que pasen por abajo!
Pasa el elefante por debajo y le empiezan a tirar de cocotazos y los changitos con su desmadre allá arriba: ¡Jaaa,jajaja! ¡Elefante pendejo, ni porque estás bien grande, no nos puedes hacer algo!¡jajaaa!¡jajajajaa!
El elefante enojado se va maldiciendo a los changos. Al rato pasa el león y lo mismo, a aventarle de cocotazos. ¡Jajaja! ¡jajajaaaa! ¡puto león, no que eres el rey de la selva, a ver súbete ¡jajajaaaa!
El león se larga también refunfuñando.
Ya se habÃan calmado los changos, cuando ven que venÃa el rinoceronte, y entonces se preparan con los cocos y le empiezan a tirar, y muertos de la risa, ¡Jaa!¡jajaaajaajaa!¡pendejo rinoceronte piel de hojalata, a ver si eres muy resistente! ¡jajaaajaja!
El rinoceronte enfurecido se va, pero de repente a unos cuantos metros se da la vuelta y con los ojos rojos y vidriosos, saliéndole humo de la nariz como toro en brama, se encarrera hacia la palmera y madres, piche palmera parecia de elástico ¡chin!¡pum!¡cuaz!¡cataplum! de un lado para otro y los changos aferrados como garrapatas a la vaca ¡aaaahhh! pero no se cayeron.
Entonces que se vuelve a enfilar el rinoceronte y madres de nuevo a la palmera que rebota de lado a lado ¡chin! pum! ¡cuaz! ¡cataplum! y los changos muertos de miedo pero bien agarrados todavÃa; pero el rinoceronte no se da por vencido y va de nuez contra la palmera ¡chin!¡pum!¡cuaz!¡cataplum! y que sale volando por los aires uno de los changuitos y ¡puuuffff! da el costalazo. Cuando se levanta, todo traqueteado y sacudiéndose, se da la vuelta y enfrente tenÃa al rinoceronte con cara de los mil demonios y que dice el chango:
¡Je! me bajé porque allá arriba tenÃan un pinche desmadre.
24
Jun
Un policÃa está muy triste y acongojado y un compañero le pregunta:
¿Oye, qué te pasa? ¿Por qué tienes esa cara?
ImagÃnate que hoy en la mañana, mientras me bañaba, decidà que ya era bueno bañar a mi perro, el pastor alemán que tengo. Lo metà a la ducha y me estaba bañando con él, repentinamente se me cayó el jabón al suelo y mientras lo recogÃa, el maldito perro me penetró por detrás.
El compañero consolándolo le dice: Tranquilo, hombre, que eso sólo lo sabemos tú y yo, y yo no voy a decir nada.
¡No sólo tú y yo, el maldito perro me arrastró por todo el barrio!
24
Jun
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum youre trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket youve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, Ouc….
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
24
Jun
Dont let worry kill you — let the church help.
Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.