Old and New Jokes

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Doughnut!
Doughnut who!
Doughnut open until Christmas!

For your convenience our staff is fluent in monosyllabic grunts.

Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children?

Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that hed never be able to face his girl again?

Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc?

Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?

Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read World War One, World War Two and Watch This Space?

Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred to as A STROKE OF GENIUS?

Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all night without getting any mail in her box?

Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?

Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed because he blew his assignment?

Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a bumper sticker reading, DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY!

Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing flavored holy water and selling the product as Popesicles?

Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is going to remake Beaver Valley as a skin flick?

Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who said that if all the womens lib. activists were laid end to end, that it would be the best thing that could happen to them?

Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged the driver five bucks?

Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples is to be called Genitalia?

Did you hear that A voyeurs liberation front is being organized and their slogan is Power To The Peephole?

Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip.

Did you hear that She was a farmers daughter but she couldnt keep her calves together?

Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux?

Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out?

Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson Clinic may well be the only organization in the world from which a man resigns when be becomes a member in good standing?

Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?

Did you hear that the Popes next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled Pauls Epistle to the Fallopians?

Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way?

Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male version – with nuts of course?

Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric?

Did you hear You can make it illegal, but cant make it unpopular?

Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to take things in hand can master it.

Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing her say shell be tickled pink.

He took a shine to her stuff … so she polished him off in a hurry.

(o)(o) perfect breasts



( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts



(*)(*) high nipple breasts



(@)(@) big nipple breasts



oo a cups



{ O }{ O } d cups



(oYo) wonder bra breasts



( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts



(o)(O) lopsided breasts



(Q)(O) pierced breasts



(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts



o/o/ Grandmas breasts



( – )( – ) flat against the shower door breasts



|o||o| android breasts



($)($) Jenny McCarthys breasts

A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.



Concerned about her friends welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, Doctor, Im worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?



The doctor replied, Well, shes 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?



The patients friend replied, Shes been working since she was 18 years old, but whats that got to do with anything?



Well, said the doctor, if shes been working for 16 years and hasnt rejected an organ, I dont think shes about to start now!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:

Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:

What is a grade?

Law School:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:

Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science:

Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education:

Everybody gets an A

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After Ive operated on the priest, Ill give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.

Do you think it will work? she asks the doctor.

Its worth a try, he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, Father, youre not going to believe this.

What? says the priest. What happened?

You gave birth to a child.

But thats impossible!

I just did the operation, insists the doctor. Its a miracle! Heres your baby.

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, Son, I have something to tell you. Im not your father.

The son says, What do you mean, youre not my father?

The priest replies, Im your mother. The archbishop is your father.

Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.

When the priest says his little If anyone know any reason… ditty, say, Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce! or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see Jesus Christ Superstar with his mother on the night of your anniversary.

Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.

Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.

Pretend youve been seeing the groom secretly. Claim youve had his love child and he looks just like him.

Say youve had an affair with the bride if youre female, and the groom if youre male.

Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.

Silly string! or, better yet…indoor frog baseball! White Wedding mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the grooms underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.

Ever see that scene in The Parent Trap where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girls dress?

Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.

Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.

As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the brides mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the brides nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, Throw your bra…Throw your bra…

Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi theres no money to pay him, and ask if hell settle for shtupping the bride.

Assure the brides mother that the groom is Hung like a horse. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

If theres a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing The Lady is a Tramp.

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls junior college, said during class, Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, Mr. Perkins, I dont think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this! With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

Correct, said Mr. Perkins. And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.