Old and New Jokes

A blonde walks into an appliance store, and asks to buy a television set."Sorry," says the owner. "We dont allow blondes in here." The blonde leaves and dyes her hair brown. The next day, she returns and asks to buy the television."Sorry," says the owner. "We dont allow blondes in here." "Hey," says the blonde, shocked, "howd you know it was me?""Youve been trying to buy a microwave."

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend So the Ranger answers Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?

A guy goes to the Farmer to buy a horse. He give the farmer the money and says that he will be around later to pick up the horse.

When he returns he is shock to find that the horse is dead!

He goes to the farmer and asks what happen to horse and can he get is money back.

The farmer replies no because he has spent the money and that he has no more horses to give.

The guy is unhappy but says o.k. and takes the dead horse anyway.

The farmer is shocked but doesnt say anything.

A couple of weeks later the guy returns to the farmer to buy a couple more dead horses, so the farmer asked him what in the world would you want to do with a dead horse??

The guy replies that he had an auction to sell the dead horse, and
charged 10 pounds entrance and had over two hundred people there.

The farmer is shocked and said didnt anyone get angry when they found out that the horse was dead.

The guy replies only the person that won.

The farmer says what happened next, and the guy says nothing i gave him back his 10 pounds.

Hombre inteligente + mujer inteligente = Romance

Hombre inteligente + mujer tonta = Amorío

Hombre tonto + mujer tonta = Embarazo

Hombre tonto + mujer inteligente = Boda

Jefe inteligente + empleado inteligente = Utilidades

Jefe inteligente + empleado tonto = Productividad

Jefe tonto + empleado inteligente = Ascenso

Jefe tonto + empleado tonto = Horas Extras

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so, says St. Peter, have you ever had any contact with a penis?



Well, says the first nun in line, I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger. OK says St. Peter, Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.



The next nun admits that Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit.



OK says St. Peter, Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven.



Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.



Well now, whats going on in here? says St. Peter.



Well your excellency, says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, if Im going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.

Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot.

Old poker players never die, they just cash in their chips.

St. Moms Wort
Plant extract that treats moms
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.

Emptynestrogen
Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you couldnt wait
til they moved out.

Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two
full cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q., enhancing enjoyment of bar-style
country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other
drivers.

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is
highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, You make me
want to be a better person … can we get naked now?

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All
When combined with
Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so
severe the victim may even come home with an Eminem
Does Broadway CD or a Phyllis Diller exercise tape.

Jackasspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who cant
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-Talksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating
the, Not now, dear, I have a headache, syndrome.

Ragamet
When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving
the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 hours.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?

A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Twas the night before christmas, and we, being Jews,

My girlfriend and me – we had nothing to do.

The gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,

Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.

But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,

There was nothing but boredom all over town.

The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;

There werent any concerts to go to that night.

A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,

But we searched through the papers; there wasnt a thing.

Outside the window sat 2 feet of snow;

With the windchill, they said, it was 15 below.

And while all I could do was sit there a brood,

My girl saved the night and called out: CHINESE FOOD!

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots –

To cover out heads, our hands and our foots.

We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down,

And boarded the T bound for old Chinatown.

The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,

While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.

We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright

With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,

We crept through The Zone with its bums and its thugs,

And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.

At last we reached chinatown, rushed through the gate,

Past bakeries, markets, shops and cafes,

In search of a restaurant: Which one? Lets decide!

We chose Hunan Chozer, and ventured inside.

Around us sat others, their platters piled high

With the finest of fine foods their money could buy:

There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)

Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,

Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foon,

And General Gaus chicken a ma po tofu…

When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,

We said: Skip the menu! and ordered it all.

And when in due time the food was all made,

It came to the table in a sort of parade.

Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,

And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.

And chicken wings! Dumplings! and Beef Teriakis!

The courses kept coming from spicy to mild,

And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

And while this went on, we became aware

Every diner around us had started to stare.

Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;

Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.

So much piled up, one dish after another,

My girlfriend and I couldnt see one another!

Now we sait there, we two, without proper utensils,

While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore

And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.

We tried – how we tried – but, said truth to tell,

Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,

We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,

And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.

We fressed and we feastered, we slurped and we munched;

We noshed and we supped, we breakfastd and lunched.

We ate till we couldnt and drank down our teas

And barely had room for our fortune cookies.

But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood

When it said: Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food.

And my girlfriend – well… she got a real winner;

Hers said: Your companion will pay for the dinner.

Our bellies were full and at last it was time

To travel back home and write some bad rhyme

Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak

About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

The MSG spun round and round in our heads,

And we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,

As we carried our leftovers home through the night:

Good Yom Tov to all – and to all a Good Night!